Lost Strength in Legs; Know a Good Ramp Builder?

Graham suddenly lost strength in his legs yesterday. He woke up wobbly but able to walk. But by the end of the day, he couldn't even stand for more than a couple of seconds. Amazingly, Graham was in good spirits, certain that this was just a temporary setback. His determination (some would say denial) is working for him. It keeps him in a good frame of mind.

His brother Gary came over. We hung out with Graham in the bedroom and had a "picnic" in bed. And after chatting for a while, we watched a DVD - the Parrots of Telegraph Hill. There were some poignant moments, because the film talks about some of the birds who had become incapacited but still enjoyed life, about some birds who had lost their mates and were sad...

In a surreal sort of way, it was overall a pleasant evening.

Today we tried to get to Stanford for his appointment with the doctor. Even with a walker and a wheelchair, it was just impossible to get down the two stairs to get outside. The steps are too short for the walker to provide any support. And the stairs are too steep to be able to bounce the wheelchair down them.

The visiting nurse was there to show me how to do it, and she said it couldn't safely be done without a ramp. At one point, Graham insisted on trying to walk down and it just wasn't possible. He came so close to falling and cracking his head open. He was so frustrated. He just kept saying, "two days ago, I rode two miles on the exercise bike and was walking fine."

A resource person is coming from the nursing agency tomorrow. Hopefully he can tell me who to contact to build a ramp or if it's something that can be bought somewhere.

If anybody local has the name of a carpenter or handyman who can build a ramp, please let me know! leegreenmo@aol.com

THANKS: A big thank you to Lisa H for making Graham an early Thanksgiving feast, and to Dale L for stocking up our fridge with delicious organic meals for the rest of the week!

Dave from St. Louis!

We endeavor to do at least one especially enjoyable activity every day. Lucky for us, our buddy Dave P from St. Louis was in town briefly on his way to a business meeting and we got to join him for lunch and catch up. Graham enjoyed the visit, but just the short walk from the car to the restaurant really zonked him out.

Dave, thanks for making time to see us!

Keep in mind who is writing!

I need to clarify the last entry. Graham is still very much in fight mode and has totally not thrown in the towel. Graham and I are very different when it comes to physical stamina and pain. So my view of the situation is not his. I can't stand the thought of him suffering. But for Graham, through all his training for cycling, he's used to the idea of physical stress and enduring through it. This cancer is the challenge of his life, and he feels up for it.

I'd like to think that if I were being tortured by Hamas or Al Qaeda, I'd hold strong. But if I were suffering pain from a disease and not for a cause? Just shoot me. And make it quick. But that's just me.

We have very different advance care directives. Mine basically says that if I drool, have a headache, and possibly just have a bad hair day, don't even think of resuscitating me. Graham's has very elaborate instructions about how badly he needs to be doing before treatment is stopped.

Graham used to love going on certain cycling trails BECAUSE they were hard. If it was scenic but not physically very difficult, it wouldn't be fun for him. To my mind, that's INSANE. Same for choosing a vacation where you ride in the blazing sun up and down crazy steep mountains for 10 days. Not my idea of a good time, but Graham LOVED it.

So please don't let my wimpy attitude give you the wrong impression of how Graham is feeling.

Cancer Sucks

We had a pleasant weekend. The pain medication is keeping things under control and allowing Graham to still enjoy every day.

Saturday, we had a fun visit from Ellen, Rick and their son Zack. (Ellen is the sister of Graham's cousin's husband. ) Zack has an excellent memory for jokes and he tells them really well, so he had us laughing and really cheered Graham up.




Sunday, we went for a long walk around the neighborhood and looked at some pretty condos that were just completed a couple of blocks away. We also went to visit our neighbor Lenny. Such a sweet guy. He ended the visit with a heartfelt prayer.

Friday I got a copy of the PET scan results. Grim!!! It's hard to know whether to pray for Graham to have the strength to hang on or to pray for a merciful death before the pain gets worse and other horrible symptoms develop. The cancer is spreading so fast and in so many places. The report noted "innumerable" locations, particularly in his bones and lungs. What I had hoped was some fat developing in his belly from all the mashed potatoes and ice cream is actually a big load of cancer. There's even cancer in his vocal cords, which is so sad. Graham has such a gorgeous voice. (Years ago, I had a friend who told me her guilty pleasure was to call our house when we were at work just to listen to Graham's voice on our answering machine's outgoing message! )

The hearing in Graham's left ear became muffled on Thursday and has stayed that way. That's likely invasive cancer cells as well.

What can I say? Cancer sucks.

But caring family and friends make it bearable.

Graham Attended Mom's Funeral by Cell Phone

Today was Graham's mom's funeral. Graham asked that he be called by cell phone so that he could listen in, and it really worked. His cousin Paul was able to stand with his cell phone near where people were speaking, and we heard all the kind comments about his mom, and were able to hear all of the service. We really felt like we were there, which made Graham feel so much better. He was even able to join in when the Mourner's Kaddish was chanted. Thanks, Paul and Gary!

His mom's doctor was there and remarked about how incredibly gracious and thoughtful his mom was with her over the years, always asking how she was (and genuinely wanting to know) and thanking her. She said that the vast majority of patients don't do that, which is why Joan was such a beloved and memorable patient for her.

It reminds me of how Graham is with his doctors and nurses, well really with everyone. When he speaks with someone, whether it's a friend, clerk, co-worker or a stranger, he seems to instinctively ponder "what can I do to make this person feel special/appreciated?" I don't know if it's anything he thinks consciously, but that spirit seems to animate his actions and words. He always keeps the other person's feelings and dignity in mind.

The pain meds worked great today. Graham had very little pain and he felt only the slightest bit spacey. We took a nice walk around the block. He rode a mile on his exercise bike, and he even did his floor exercises!

Now he's getting ready for a masseuse from the Cancer Clinic to give him an hour-long massage. If he loves it, I'll see if I can arrange for her to come out to the house every other night.

THANKS: We got a lovely basket of flowers from some wonderful folks that Graham used to work with at Wyeth in St. Louis. Thank you so much, Cassie D, Tony B, Sioni B, Marti B, Robin B and Rob M! We deeply appreciate your thoughtfulness. (If you get a chance, please send me your email addresses. I'd love to send you a personal thank you.)

Thank you Lisa H for the "Sloppy Mommies" (Sloppy Joes made with turkey). It was finger licking good! :-)

Drugs are Delightful! Scary Test Results.

Drugs rule! At least the right ones do. The vicadin that the radiation doctor had prescribed for Graham didn't do squat for his back pain. But Dr. Advani prescribed him some slow release morphine today that really helped. Yay!!!!

The idea is to maintain a steady dose of morphine throughout the day so the pain never gets out of control, and if it "breaks through," take a little more morphine and it should respond right away. And that's exactly what happened tonight. It is so good to know that Graham has something now that can very quickly take away his pain.

TEST RESULTS

The scan results were mixed. The MRI of the brain showed that the radiation treatment helped reduce the cancer in the brain. That's the good news.

The bad news is the PET-CT scan showed that in the past 3 weeks, the cancer spread tremendously throughout the rest of his body, including more of his bones, which is the probable cause of his back pain. The doctor actually used the phrase "riddled with cancer." There were so many new cancer spots to report, that the scan people hadn't even been able to finish typing the report in time for our appointment. We'll learn all the details on Friday when we can see a copy of the report.

The doctor advised against any further treatment, because she didn't think the small potential benefit outweighed the pain and discomfort involved. But Graham wants to fight to the end, to stay with us as long as possible, just in case some new drug or treatment might come along in the nick of time.

So Dr. Advani agreed to let him try a chemo combo that he hadn't tried before, and to try to do it weekly. But, further bad news...today's blood test revealed his white blood cell neutrophil count (not sure if I have that right) is scary low, 300, so he's not even able to have the first part of the chemo treatment, because it would completely wipe out his white cells. But he was able to have the second part.

Starting tomorrow, he will get Neupogen shots for 5 days, to encourage his white blood cells to grow. And if they reach 1000 by Wednesday, he'll get the other part of the chemo combo then.

Graham and Micki are snoozing away right now, hopefully having some sweet dreams.

Back Pain

McCain and Obama both gave such gracious, uplifting speeches. It's a proud day for America as we experience how smoothly and non-violently our democracy works. May God grant President-elect Obama the wisdom and strength necessary to deal with the grave challenges ahead.

Graham had a very bad day yesterday. He was in so much pain from his back. He needed to take pain pills all day, and was sort of dazed and slightly incoherent for much of the day. He had his PET-CT scan yesterday, and lying flat on the hard table for over an hour made the pain worse.

Today, we'll spend most of the day, and likely part of the evening, at Stanford Cancer Center. Graham will have his usual blood tests, then meet with Dr. Advani to hear the results of all the recent scans, and then hopefully start a new round of chemo, probably R-CHOP. We probably won't get home until 9pm.

THANKS: Thanks to the many of you who have kindly sent condolences to Graham regarding his mom's death. Lauren, thanks for the interesting book. Thanks so much, Pam, for the delicious beef stew. Ella, spaseba for the wonderful chicken soup and borscht.

Graham's mom died today

Graham's mother, Joan, died today. She had recently gone to a nursing home (in Massachusetts) to help her deal with a case of pneumonia, and her doctor thought she had gotten over that. But he recommended she stay in the nursing home to get ongoing care as she regained her balance. She suddenly took a drastic turn for the worse early this morning, lost consciousness, and died very quickly. Graham is very sad that he wasn't able to speak to her one last time, but we're glad that she didn't suffer.

She was a very sweet woman and a talented artist. She was 83. Graham feels so bad that he can't go to her funeral or help his brother with the arrangements. But planes are too germy for him and he just doesn't have the energy to go far from home.

Graham's back pain spread to the other side of his back tonight. A long backrub allowed him to feel better for a short while. He took some pain pills and a sleeping pill, so hopefully he'll be able to sleep through the night and get some relief.

I feel so bad for Graham's brother Gary, who is coping with the loss of his mom and the potential loss of Graham, his only sibling. Thankfully he's very close with his cousins, Karen and Paul.

Sleepy

Sunday was a very sleepy day. Graham slept until about noon and had his MRI around 3:30. Afterward, we went to dinner with his brother Gary.

Graham's right hand is starting to have a small tremor again, and his gait has changed. He takes very small steps now. He says it is due to a combination of not having much energy and not wanting to jar his back.

Amazingly, Graham found some energy when we got home and rode on the exercise bike for a little while.

What a Pain (in the back)

Graham's back pain is off and on, but when it's on, it can be very difficult. This morning he woke up at 3am to take some vicadin for the first time since April. He can usually get by with Tylenol.
When he's in pain, it's hard for him to find a comfortable position sitting or lying down. Walking feels better, but he doesn't have a lot of energy to keep walking around for long.

The X-ray from last week didn't show any breaks in the ribs, but Graham will be getting an MRI on Sunday and Petscan on Tuesday, where we'll see a lot more detail. On Wednesday, we'll learn the results to see how well the radiation did with the cancer spots in the brain, and we'll see what the cancer is doing elsewhere in the body.

Let's Try That Celebration Again

Graham is such a honey. He decided we should re-celebrate our 20th anniversary, since this year, it had landed on a day when Graham was feeling awful and had ended up unexpectedly in the hospital.

After radiation on Wednesday, we went card shopping. We always get each other several cards.

I like to scatter the cards throughout his day...one by his toothbrush, his breakfast plate, another in his sock drawer...when he was working, I'd put one in his briefcase for him to find at work...then more cards to open at dinner.

Graham's makes his cards to me really special by drawing on the envelopes. It's usually some whimsical version of my name or his latest nickname for me, or having fun with some recent item or quirk. Here's a great one from a few years ago where he was poking fun at the way I mowed the lawn back at our Missouri house.




When Graham mowed, he would do it very methodically in a cross hatch pattern. Then we decided to split the job, with me getting the easy riding lawnmower part and Graham getting the harder weed whacking part. I would just go wild with the mower, zooming every which way, until it finally got done. Ladies, I highly recommend riding lawnmowers. They get the lawn cut quickly and they're akin to sitting on a washer during the spin cycle. Who says that doing chores can't be fun? ;-)

Here's a drawing where Graham was remembering the day we met at a Jewish singles event at Canobie Lake Park, and how the first thing we did together was to go on a roller coaster ride.


Here we are on Saturday having a celebratory dinner at Kincaid's in Burlingame, with a great view of the water (and the planes taking off from the airport).


On the way to dinner, we stopped for a quick visit to the Aviation Museum in San Carlos. We had always wondered what was in there!




THANKS: Thanks, Cary R., for the motherlode of World War II DVDs. Graham has quite the collection now! Lisa H., your grilled burgers and pea/radish salad were fantastic. Rob and Jen M from STL, we were delighted to receive in the mail your beautiful and delicious homemade challah!!

Casting Our Vote; Halloween!

When we moved to California, we signed up to get mail-in ballots for elections. But we don't trust the mail 100%, so we still drop off our ballots in person. It does save us from having to wait in line to vote, which is fabulous. And a mail-in ballot also gives us more time to carefully consider every ballot measure. It was like a part-time job this year trying to figure out all the initiatives on the ballot. Sheesh.

Today, we dropped off our ballots!! We're feeling hopeful that our guy will win. What can I say; we believe in miracles.

Then we went candy shopping for Halloween. Last year, we had so many trick-or-treaters, we actually ran out of candy. I started giving away all my change, then some stuffed animals, then I scrounged our pantry and found some protein bars...So this year, I bought 10 big bags of candy. And lo and behold, it rained and not that many kids came. We only gave out 3 bags. (Good thing we got the exercise bike!)

Graham enjoyed Halloween more this year than usual. He usually just ignores the trick-or-treaters, but this year he wanted to be right in the thick of it. So we sat in chairs on the front doorstep with Micki and our candy bowl and greeted everyone together. The kids were adorable and they loved Micki and our screaming doormat.

Poof Goes Graham's Hair! Visits from Peter, Forsan.

Within about 2 days, Graham has lost almost all his hair. While he was having chemo, he gradually lost his hair, but it grew back fairly quickly. Now that he's getting radiation to the head, they told us to expect hair loss, but his hair was holding strong. Then, all of the sudden, poof, hair begone!

Graham was very tired Monday and had some back pain that was made worse when he laid down on the hard radiation table. When we got home from Stanford, we had a lovely surprise on our doorstep from our wonderful neighbors back in NC : gorgeous irises and lilies. Thanks so much, Bob and Barbara J! Perfect timing on a tough day.














Tuesday, the doctor sent Graham for an x-ray because she suspects the back pain may actually be something going on with the ribs. We'll hear more about that when we go back to Stanford later today.

Had a very enjoyable visit with Peter R from Genentech. (Rats, I forgot to snap a photo of Peter!) He and Graham share a lot of common interests, so Graham always looks forward to hearing the latest from Peter. The weather was so perfect today, we sat out on the patio.

Forsan, our "honorary son," has been visiting us again this past week. What a pleasure it's been to have him with us. He is such a kind, amazing, unique individual. And holy smokes, so helpful!! Every house project we had on the "to do some faraway day if we get lucky" list is now completed, thanks to Forsan. He leaves today. We'll miss you, Forsan!

Micki Miracle

Ruska



Micki in her glorious new bed

Graham has been exhausted this week. Thank goodness for visitors. I don't know whether it's the welcome distraction they bring, the care they demonstrate, the interesting conversation, and/or if having visitors brings on a little bit of an adrenaline kick, but visitors make Graham feel better not just mentally but physically too.

On Thursday, we had a lovely visit from Graham's boss, Ruska. She brought us greetings and some super thoughtful gifts from Genentech mensches (a mensch is Yiddish for a good, nice person).

They gave Graham a wonderfully soft, warm Genentech jacket and scarf. And Natalie S. got Graham some more of that incredibly rich chocolate pudding that he loves so much. Thanks, Natalie!

Joan T., you have a knack for picking the perfect gift. Among other very welcome goodies, Joan gave little Micki a gorgeous dog bed that Micki fell immediately in love with. As soon as it was out of the bag, Micki pushed it with her nose to the center of the living room, so all could gaze upon her regal self in adoration. Then she rolled all over the bed, and finally, snuggled into it for a good nap. And she's been using it every day since.

Good thing too, since the very next day, the ceiling fell down right on top of her old bed!!! Yes, really. If it weren't for Joan's thoughtfulness, Micki would likely be a seriously hurt pooch.

A friend was kindly helping us store some stuff up in the attic, and he inadvertently stepped off the rafters, through the ceiling. Thankfully, he was able to stop himself from falling to the floor and hurting himself (big miracle #1, he walked away with a small scratch), but some of the heavy wallboard fell right on top of Micki's old bed. Normally at that time of day, Micki hangs out in that bed, because it faces the front door, and of course she's on demon-dog alert, waiting to scare away the mailman. But Friday, thanks to Joan, Micki had no interest in her old bed, and was saved from getting konked on the head.

So instead of being a tragedy, with a hurt friend and dog, it turned into one of those "how cool is that?" moments. The other amazing thing was that of all the places our friend could have stepped through the ceiling, it was in exactly the spot we needed to fix anyway, because there was a crack there already from an earlier incident with an electrician. Sweet!

Friday night we went to services and Bill F. gave a wonderful sermon on how to know when night turns into day. Is it when you can see where your yard stops and your neighbor's begins? Is it when you can see what color your neighbor's eyes are? No, it's when you can look into your neighbor's eyes and see in their reflection the faces of your own family. "Light" comes when we look for what we have in common, rather than what divides us.

Saturday visitors:

On Saturday, we enjoyed a visit with our neighbors Jimmy and Dick. We got to hear all about Dick's adventures knocking on doors, campaigning for Obama all the way in Nevada. Even though we're voting for McCain, we admire anyone who cares enough to get involved with a campaign or issue.

Dick, Jimmy and their beautiful dog, also named Micky.

That evening, Graham's brother Gary came over and we went for Japanese food at Bonsai in Atherton. Love their indoor fish pond!

THANKS: Thank you, Lisa H., for the delicious Shepherd's pie. We had it for lunch today.
Thank you Ruska, Natalie, Joan and the rest of the Genentech gang for your thoughtful gifts. Graham will feel your warmth and caring whenever he wears the jacket and scarf.

Lisa H's daughter Juliette and Micki

Too Tired to Exercise, Too Tired NOT to Exercise

Graham continues to hold steady. With the weekend break in the radiation schedule, he felt a little more energetic. With Forsan's help, we located a place nearby to buy an exercise bike, so Graham could get some cycling in. He really misses cycling and hates losing all that muscle tone.

With the peripheral vision gone in his left eye, it's too dangerous for him to cycle or drive. (That's another story! Let's just say I'm not the smoothest driver and Graham really really wishes he were in the driver's seat.)

One of the dilemmas when you're undergoing cancer treatment is that you're crazy tired most of the time. But the doctors tell you how important it is to get some exercise each day, because it will actually give you more energy if you can manage to keep your muscles from atrophying. Graham goes for short walks, does stretches, left lifts, push-ups, etc. several times a week, but it's such a drastic change from the days when he used to ride his bike 100 miles a week.

Hopefully, when the radiation ends on Friday (I miscalculated last week. His radiation doesn't end until Oct 31), Graham will have more energy and he'll enjoy getting some cycling miles in on the indoor exercise bike. We got a recumbent version, so that even when he has very low energy, it will still be an inviting option.

We had a very pleasant afternoon, strolling around the block and hanging out on our garden bench, saying Hi to the many neighbors and dogs walking by. California weather continues to delight us...there's just no bad weather day here.

Blood Transfusion; A Visit from Cousin Lisa

We were at Stanford today getting a transfusion of two units of blood. Fittingly, Graham's blood type is A+, because he is an A+ kind of guy! Graham already feels more energetic now that he has more red blood cells. Apparently, the cancer cells crowd out the regular blood cells, so every 3 weeks or so, Graham needs a refill.

The transfusion should only take 3-4 hours, but inevitably there is waiting for various forms to get filled out, waiting for the pharmacy to fill the order...We were on time for our 10:30 appointment and were finished at 4pm.

Luckily we got an awesome spot in one of the smaller, quieter rooms in the 2nd floor Infusion Treatment Area. Graham got the treatment chair next to the electronic massage chair, so I got to hang out with my sweetie and get massaged all day. Heaven!

Graham also had radiation today, as well as a consultation with Dr. Advani on what chemo they can try after the radiation is finished next week. They're going to try doing chemo in a dose that he can do every week, rather than every 2-3 weeks. The hope is that having it more frequently will stop the breakthrough growth that often happened between the 1st and 2nd week of treatment.

She said most people would have given up on treatment by now, but she's happy to keep trying as long as Graham wants to continue fighting, since right now he's in pretty good physical shape.

He's lost a lot of muscle in his legs since he hasn't ridden his bike in a long time, and his already tiny butt is almost non-existent, but because he started out in such fantastic shape, and because he continues to push himself to do exercises in the morning, such as push ups, he's still pretty strong.

Last night we had a lovely visit from my cousin Lisa from Florida and her fiance, Dave. What a great couple!

Mmmm, cheesecake!

It was wonderful to catch up with her and meet Dave. Lisa is such a delight. She's always been a friendly, can-do, high energy person. Lisa and Dave met way back in high school and last year reconnected and fell instantly in love. I'm so happy for them. Dave is a super nice guy. They are a really good match and obviously adore and respect each other.

And I'm still amazed that I'm related to someone who regularly competes in triathalons and teaches an exercise class for fun. Do I actually share any genes with her?? I don't think so.

One of my favorite childhood summers was at her family's beach house in Clinton, CT, when we were both around 9 years old. I remember how all the kids in the neighborhood crowded into the living room to watch the first walk on the moon. Another Lisa memory...we went to Disney World together when we were around 12, and it was 99 degrees out, and we were waiting outside in line for the Haunted Mansion for about 45 minutes. My sister and I both fainted (we were never good at drinking enough water, even though we were native Floridians!) and Lisa hyperventilated. My sister and I snapped out of it in about 20 seconds and felt fine after having a sip of OJ, but Lisa's hyperventilating...lordy, that went on so long, we got to see the clinic at Disney World!

Graham had been so crazy tired yesterday, but as soon as Lisa and Dave came over, he perked right up and even felt good enough to go out for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto. At the end of the evening, Graham remarked to me how he felt so much better that night than he had for a while, and how much he enjoyed chatting with Lisa and Dave. Thanks, Lisa and Dave!

Something I Do Only Because My Husband Has Cancer

*Allow chopped liver into our house.

Gary brought Graham some chopped liver, because it's one of Graham's favorite things to eat. I think it is the smelliest nastiest stuff on the planet, so for our entire marriage, I have never made it or bought it for him or even let it through our door. Aren't I awful?

I've never understood how people can get a whiff of that "delicacy" and not want to hurl. And hello, it's made of liver, which is full of toxins. That just can't be good for you.

Graham is such a sweetie, though. He promised I wouldn't have to touch it. He'll spoon it out himself and give me a five minute warning to leave the room first before he opens the container. :-)

THANKS:

Gary, so glad you could hang out with Graham yesterday. And thanks for bringing the deli food. Yes, even the dreaded chopped liver. Graham really enjoyed it.

Bernard and Joni, thank you for sending the perfect DVD for Graham, "Victory at Sea," all about the naval battles during WWII. Graham is totally psyched to watch the whole series.

Marilyn and Norm, thanks for dropping by last night for tea and for bringing such a delicious dinner for us. We had it tonight and loved it. It was great catching up with you.

Ella...you are such a wonder. Your apple pie is AMAZING. We're not usually pie fans, because they're usually too sweet and heavy, but yours is so light and delicious. Thank you! Mmm, it's calling to me now...

Beautiful Day in Our Garden

Palliative vs Curative

Graham watering his many plants on the patio.

To deal with the cancer spots in the brain, Graham is undergoing 18 rounds of radiation. He has about 10 more to go. One can't do chemo at the same time as radiation, so that's on hold for now. It's problematic, because while we save the brain, the cancer in the rest of the body gets a break from chemo and will likely keep growing in his lungs and other places. The symptoms he was getting from the brain lesions - headaches, vision problems, weakening of his right side - were a real quality of life issue. And one of the cancer areas was near a critical point at the base of the skull, so the radiation had to be done.

Radiation involves just a short 15 minute appointment at Stanford each day. Even though it's a quick zap, it really does a number on Graham's energy level. (To see photos of what radiation looks like, check out the "Radiation Rocks" blog item from August 17. )

He has short bursts of energy, but most of the day he feels listless. Friday night we went to services (synagogue), but he just about slept the rest of the day away. Today, Saturday, we went for a walk around the block after lunch... and after dinner, we went to see a movie for the first time in months. I think the last movie we saw was "Counterfeiters," right before all the intensive chemo began. Amazing movie that we highly recommend.

Tonight, we had wanted to see "An American Carol," a spoof on Michael Moore movies, but this area is so one-note, it's not even playing in theatres here. Almost all the rest of the movies playing are such cynical downers, not exactly the mood-lifter we're looking for. Thankfully though, there was one sweet cheerful movie available to see...

In a true act of love, Graham took me to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua." What a nice guy!! He knows I'm a huge dog fan and would get a kick out of seeing those cute little dogs on the big screen and he was right. :-) Adorable movie with great music and good values. Graham figured he would have to endure it, but he actually ended up enjoying it too and it distracted him from how generally lousy he felt today. He's not in any pain, just exhausted.

This coming week, we'll start meeting with a nurse at our house every week. There's really nothing for her to do right now, but the medical staff think it's a good idea to start a relationship with a hospice service, just to have everything in place and people we like and know for when/if we need them.

Graham has certainly exceeded the doctor's earlier prognosis, but after the extensive brain involvement was discovered, the doctor told us that she considers further treatment palliative and not curative. She feels that there's just too much cancer in his sytem and that these treatments will relieve his worst symptoms and give him a better quality of life, but will only bring some extra time and won't actually stop the cancer. She doesn't feel that the cancer can be reduced enough to start the bone marrow transplant. We've had a hard time accepting that, so I've been really reluctant to write it down. Intellectually we get it, but it just doesn't seem real.

Graham isn't ready to give up though, so he's encouraging the doctor to look for chemo combos he could try when the radiation is over. I'm not sure if she wants to try the methotrexate again. We'll find out more next week.

Maybe we're not being realistic, but we've heard from so many people who were told by their doctors that they only had a few months to live, and years later, they're doing great. Ron E, our neighbor in Missouri, had such an experience, as has my brother's secretary.

If these good people beat the expectations, why not Graham too? We still feel that anything is possible, although we understand it's unlikely. If he can just keep hanging on, maybe some new treatment will come along...

THANKS: We have so many wonderful people to thank this week.

Forsan, it's such a pleasure having you stay with us! Your cheerful moral support and your help fixing things around the house have been invaluable.

In one of those "wow" moments, my neighborhood Bunco buddies stocked our freezer full of meals for those days when I just don't feel like cooking (uh, that would be every day). Thank you so much Pam, Lisa H, Debbie T, Charlene, Nancy, Ruthie, Ruth, Amy S. and Jenny! We've been enjoying the variety.

Harriet G from our synagogue chavurah made us a delicious Hungarian chicken dinner for Shabbat. Thanks, Harriet! It was fabulously tender and tasty. It was great to see you and hear the latest.

We received a lovely "Carolina Breeze" hibiscus plant from Alice Y-Z from Genentech. How sweet of you, Alice! We're looking forward to seeing the beautiful blooms. We have a perfect spot for it on the porch right outside the window where Graham likes to hang out to watch TV.

Thank you, Ella, for the tasty bean soup! Your culinary skills continue to delight us.

Thank you Joan T. and Arline D. for continuing to email us amusing jokes and You Tube links. Laughing really does help.

Paul G and Howard H, thanks for the movie suggestions. We've been looking for funny movie titles to order from Netflix and you came up with a bunch.

Chuck and Pat P, thanks for the gift certificate for Bella's. We love that restaurant. Instead of takeout, we may even go there, because it's so lovely sitting outside, looking at the boats. And they let dogs hang out on the patio, so Micki will get a nice change of scenery too!

Thanks to the many of you for all the great cards, calls and emails. :-)

Holding Steady

Graham is holding steady. He's been very tired yesterday and today, which is to be expected after the chemo and especially the radiation.

On our way to the radiation appointment, we stopped at an art supply store and picked up some water colors and other goodies. The hope is that even if Graham doesn't have much energy, there's still something interesting and creative he can do besides watching TV. Hmmm, maybe this is really for me so that we don't end up watching the 3,478th documentary about World War II on the History Channel. Hey, I like history as much as the next gal, and am also somewhat obsessed with WWII, but there's a limit. :-)

THANK YOU: Thanks Lynn for your wonderful drawings, poems and letters that you send so regularly. We always look forward to seeing what you think up next! Thanks Paul and Deb for the amusing "Haiku for Jews" book and lovely note. Graham got quite a few chuckles from it.

Can't Keep Graham Down!

Graham and Forsan

Graham and his brother Gary

Graham is so amazing. You just can't keep this guy down. He had radiation in the morning, napped a bit, and then spent the afternoon with Forsan in the front garden installing a new pump for our fountain, and filling the bird feeder! And then he still had enough energy to enjoy having dinner with Gary, Forsan, Erika and John.

We got an after-dinner treat that put big smiles on our faces and made us say, "Awwww, that was sooo nice!!" We got a call from Ashish, whom we met through Duke's International Friends program way back in 1997. We have such fond memories of Ashish and his wife Anshuma because they are incredibly kind and loving. When we met them, they had just gotten married and Ashish was getting his MBA at Duke. They were always thinking of sweet things they could do to make the other one happy, just little gestures and acts of kindness that showed they were thinking of each other throughout the day. We found them really inspiring. We've always liked being around other happy couples.

Anshuma stayed with us one summer while Ashish was away on an internship, and what a great friend she was to us! We learned Bridge together with our neighbors Carol and Richard, and Anshuma taught me another fun card game called Bukaro that we would play each night to take her mind off of how much she missed Ashish. And she is such an amazing cook. Graham loves Indian food because of Anshuma and I love Indian clothes. It was so heartwarming to hear from Ashish, about his memories of that time and to catch up on what's happening with his family now. Thanks, Ashish!

THANK YOU: Thanks so much Ella for the wonderful borscht and sponge cake you made for us today. We enjoyed that for tonight's dinner, as well as the leftover brisket from Joyce and Jerry B, and leftover cabbage rolls from Aunt Marie. It's nice having friends and family who are such good cooks!

Emergency Radiation for Brain

Our 20th anniversary landed on Yom Kippur this year, so we were going to celebrate our 20 years of happiness by fasting and repenting. :-) But instead, Graham ended up going straight from the doctor's office on Wednesday morning, back to the hospital.

The results from Monday's PET scan showed that the lump in the chest was no big deal, but that serious problems were developing in Graham's brain. It was lucky that the little soft tissue lump in the chest popped up, because it compelled us to do the scan, and made us aware that we need to keep careful check on the brain.

Another good thing is that the chemo combo that the doctor had already planned to do is one that gets through the blood-brain barrier, so there's a chance that it will get rid of the cancer in the brain.

On Wednesday, Graham got the methotrexate, a day earlier than planned. On Thursday, Gary and Forsan came to visit with us in the hospital, and we had a lovely day. Gary even brought a fantastic cheesecake to break (his) fast with, and it was very festive. We didn't have any plates, so we piled the cheesecake into little hospital Dixie cups and toasted each other. I read to Graham all the thoughtful emails and cards that y'all have sent to us recently. Thank you!!

At midnight, they gave Graham the second part of his chemo combo - cytarabine. And around 3 in the morning, Graham suddenly got up out of a sound sleep and started talking gibberish. It was very freaky. He had no clue where he was or what was going on. He had aphasia and was making totally wild but fascinating word choices.

I ran to get the nurse and she explained that unfortunately, drugs that cross the blood-brain barrier can mess with the brain and cause confusion. She paged the doctor. There was discussion about whether the mental confusion was from the brain tumors, the methotrexate or the cytarabine, or some of each. It was decided not to continue with the cytarabine.

I asked if Graham would snap out of it once the drug cleared his system, and the doctors weren't sure, which was so NOT comforting. But thankfully, within 12 hours, Graham's wonderful brain reasserted itself!!!!!!!! You can imagine my relief. That was probably the worst 12 hours of my life. My heart goes out to people who have loved ones with Alzheimers or brain injuries. I don't know how they deal with it day in and day out. It's a total heartbreaker.

Even when Graham was extremely disoriented and thought he was in the Sahara Hotel and didn't have any idea that he was being treated for cancer, he was still super sweet. Of all the diagnostic questions he was asked, the one he got right, other than his own name, was my name. He still knew I was his wife, Lee.

The nurse said that his answers showed what a generally happy person he was, because when in doubt, he assumed he was in a lovely place with his wife. She noted that some confused patients assume they are in jail or some horrible nightmare location.

Dr. Advani had already ordered that an MRI of the brain be done, and those results came in on Friday morning, and they showed that he has cancer spots in 5 places in his brain, including the part that controls critical life support functions. Amazingly, within 3 hours, they arranged for emergency radiation. So he's already had two rounds of radiation and will be continuing with that for a while.

We came back home from the hospital this afternoon, Saturday, and he is feeling pretty decent. It's good to be home with my wonderful husband who remembers not just my name but all the years we've been together!

I'm taking a leave of absence from work so I can focus completely on Graham. My boss and everyone else at work have been absolutely the best, very supportive and helpful whenever I needed time off for Graham's many medical appointments and hospital stays. I love my job and think it's very important to hold the press accountable when they report the news unfairly or inaccurately, but I just want to spend as much time as I can with Graham.

Waiting for the Results of New Scan

Monday morning we went to Graham's check-up, fully expecting him to get the go-ahead to start his third round of the Gem-Ox chemo combo. But during the exam, the doctor found a small lump in Graham's chest. Graham said, yeah, he had felt it too a couple of days before. He hadn't told me because he "didn't want to worry you." Hard to be mad at him, because it was nice to feel so positive for those extra days.

But I hate for him to worry all by himself. Maybe that's why he was so foggy Sunday night, because he was worried about the new tumor.

Anyhow, the doctor feels that if there's any new growth at all, it doesn't make sense to continue the same treatment, because even though it helped get rid of many of his tumors, if new ones start, the cancer can get out of control. So Graham will likely start a new kind of chemo on Thursday, in the hospital for a few days.

But just to get a clear idea of what needs to get done, Dr. Advani had Graham get another PET scan. Hopefully, the new tumor in the chest is small and the only one, and the new treatment will likely knock it right out and all is still good. Worst case, it's the tip of the iceberg, and there are more tumors that just weren't visible to the eye or touch, and it will be a challenge to defeat them.

The doctor told us to come back Wednesday morning for the scan results, but we were so anxious, that we got the day wrong, and dragged ourselves in early morning today, Tuesday! Oy.

So we spent the whole day pretending we weren't biting our nails.

The nice part about Monday was when we got home, our friends Jerry and Joyce brought us over a fantastic brisket dinner with mashed potatoes. Since I can barely pull together a decent meal on a good day, this was truly a welcome gift!

Here's Joyce, Jerry and their adorable little dog Morsel.

And then to add to the sweetness, the doorbell rang and it was UPS delivering a package full of goodies from our wonderful neighbors and friends in Durham, Darleene and Wendell. It came from one of our favorite stores there, A Southern Season. Ah, good memories! When we opened the box, this amazing feeling of love just poured over us. It was like getting a hug in the mail from Darleene and Wendell.

Vacations

Bill and Laurel came by Sunday evening. It was fascinating hearing about their recent trip to Hungary and Israel, and about their son's recent wedding in Israel. They told us about how it was a very simple outdoor ceremony, on a hillside without any modern development in sight, with everyone dressed very casually, and how they could easily imagine themselves celebrating in the same way in the same spot a thousand years ago.

Graham and I look forward to visiting Israel again. For years we tended to take turns deciding on where the annual non-family vacation would be. Graham would always want to go camping or on some cycling trip, and I would want to go to Israel or to some relaxing resort. About 6 years ago, I dragged Graham to Israel. It was at the height of the Arab terror war against Israel, before the very effective security fence was built, and he thought it was a crazy time to go. But almost from the first minute we were there, he was enthralled and thankful that he had decided to humor me.

When Graham was diagnosed with cancer, we were in the midst of picking vacations, and of course I had been saying "Let's go to Israel again!" and he had been saying "cycling and camping in Utah!" Even though we were told at the time that he likely had another 7-15 years of good quality life, I felt so bad that he would have so fewer vacations than me, that of course I right away caved and actually agreed to go camping with him and 100 other people who love talking about bicycle gears. Turned out to be a great vacation! But we're still hoping to visit Israel again, perhaps in a year or two when the cancer treatment will hopefully be a distant memory. And Graham has figured out the perfect combo for us - the Bicycle Ride Across Israel. :-)

Graham away from work for 4 months!

I was just looking up how long Graham has been away from work. Almost four months!

He's been battling this stubborn cancer for a long time now. No wonder he needs lots of beauty rest every day.

It's so heart-warming and encouraging for Graham to know that he hasn't been forgotten at work. People from Genentech continue to let Graham know they are thinking of him.

On Thursday, Reuben and Nathila brought warmth and good cheer, the latest news from Genentech, not to mention an amazing yellow, pink and purple melon mousse cake that looked like a work of art. We almost didn't eat it because it was so pretty, but we're glad we did!













On Friday, Heather, Natalie, Jen and Kim from Genentech came by and were so upbeat and fun; they really put us in a good mood. And the goodies they brought...oh my gosh. We've never had such rich, tasty pudding before.













On Saturday evening, Graham was feeling so decent that we joined Laura and Cary at Armadillo Willies, a BBQ restaurant. We always love going out with them because they are such good conversationalists and take an interest in all kinds of topics. And they can disagree with us about politics and candidates without being disagreeable. That's an important character trait all too rare these days.

Sunday afternoon, another Genentecher, Deborah, came over and we played Scrabble. It was a little worrisome because Graham was quite foggy and not up to making his usual high scoring words. Deborah was great about it. As she says, she has the "gift of gab" and just kept up a cheerful patter so that the game was incidental and not the usual (good-natured) competition.

Genentech people are so genuinely nice. I can see why Graham misses work and looks forward to returning there.

New Year Starting Well

Still no noticeable tumor growth! Graham is very tired though, sleeping each day until about 2pm, but he enjoys visitors. They cheer him up and motivate him to take short walks.

Graham's cousins Paul, Avivah and Jonah came from Boston, and cousins Karen and Will came from Bethesda, to help us celebrate Rosh HaShanah (the Jewish New Year).

( In back, Avivah, Paul, Graham, Gary. In front: Karen, Will)

A good time was had by all at an outing to our neighborhood park. Little Jonah had a particularly fun time, eventually shedding all of his clothes and running around naked.


Jonah and Will

Gary, Ellen and Zack also joined us for the festive holiday dinner.(from left to right: Avivah, Karen, Gary, Graham, Ellen, Paul, Will, Zack)

Will and I made sweet round challahs for the holiday meal, and to also give one to our friend Ella, but I forgot that the dough has to rise 3 times, not 2. So they didn't end up going into the oven until after dinner, around 10pm. Better late than never! Good thing the holiday is two days long. :-)

The night before, friends from Genentech, Yaron and Einat, came by to wish us a happy new year. With their two-year-old twins Ophir and Omer and four-year-old Amir, along with Paul and Avivah's 3-year old Jonah, we had a house full of joyful energetic little boys!

Jonah and Amir enjoy the lawn tractor

In Missouri, the tractor was very handy for mowing our lawn. It was a weekly enjoyable two-hour activity. Here in California, it takes longer to start the tractor than it does to mow our Micki-sized lawn.

Will studies with Avivah for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah. Will is the family Boggle champ. Will introduces Zack to the game.

Buoyed by his visiting family, Graham finds the strength to wake up early to go to high holiday services. Here he is looking handsome in his suit.

We went for a walk at Rancho Antonio with Paul, Avivah and Jonah. We saw deer!

Visits from family and friends...what a lovely way to usher in the new year!