There will be a shiva service at our house in Redwood City on Tuesday and Wednesday (Dec 30 and 31st) from 7pm to 8pm. We'll read some prayers and then invite people to share their memories/thoughts about Graham. Friends are welcome to come to one or both services.
On New Year's Day, there won't be a shiva service, but friends are welcome to visit between the hours of 1pm and 5pm.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Rabbi Fasman's Remarks About Graham
Graham's funeral was really lovely. I was so touched by all the people who came, even people who knew Graham years ago and many who traveled far to be there.
When it came time to cover Graham's coffin with the earth...my mind went on a little vacation. I just kept thinking, "That coffin looks way too short for Graham. I don't think he's really in there." I think until I get back to our home in California and find that he's not there waiting for me, Graham's death won't be real to me.
Rabbi Fasman's remarks about Graham really captured his essence. First he read excerpts (I'll share those with you soon) from many letters that people had written to me about Graham. And then he delivered his own remarks (see below):
About Graham (David ben Ze'ev ha-Levi):
Such a young man. Such a remarkable man. Such a profound loss.
Graham Green lived only 51 years. Though it was far too short, this was a man who touched this world in countless kind and positive ways. Today is the fifth day of Chanukkah - in fact, Graham passed away on the first day of Chanukkah. The hymn most associated with this holiday is Maoz Tzur - Rock of Ages. The more I learned about Graham, the more I realized that he was a rock himself - strong, constant, and consistent.
Graham was born the second of two sons to Walter and J Green. When he was about five years old, his parents divorced. At that time, his grandmother, Esther Green, moved in and became a guiding motherly presence in his life until the time he went to college.
It wasn't a large family, but it was close. There was his brother Gary, eight years his senior. Additionally, Graham's immediate family included his uncle Jerry and aunt Marie, and their children Karen and Paul. As the years passed, the family grew. Karen married Bob and Paul married Avivah. Karen and Bob's son Will is just a few works before Bar Mitzvah, and Paul and Avivah have a 3 1/2 year old, Jonah. There is one other very important family member in Graham's life - his stepmother Frada, who came into his life when he was about 20 and with whom he was close for these past 30 years. Sadly, Graham lost his father Walter four years ago, and just last month, his mother passed away.
Though Graham and Lee never had children, they did host a series of international students in their home for many years. Graham was able to be a father figure to many of them and kept in touch with many of his surrogate children over the years.
As a child, Graham was mature well beyond his years. He was intelligent, with a sweet and gentle demeanor. Gary reports that his little brother was cute and easy - Graham wasn't a cranky kid. Even as a child, Graham treated others well...this was one of his outstanding traits throughout his life.
And Graham was both a child and a man who persevered. He faced challenges with equanimity and patiently continued to move forward until he had achieved his goal. After transferring from another school, he graduated from the University of Illinois with a double major in biochemistry and microbiology.
Graduate school was also a challenge. Graham encountered a number of dead ends while pursuing his doctorate. When he had finally hit upon a promising thesis topic and had nearly completed all the work necessary for his Ph.D., someone else finished the same project first, so Graham patiently began a new project. He did finally receive his Ph.D. in Biochemistry from Rutgers University.
Graham's patience paid off in another important way during his graduate school years. In August of 1986, through the Boston Jewish Young Adult Center, Graham met Lee at a group outing to Canobie Lake Amusement Park. The first thing they did together was to go on the roller coaster ride. He found her screams endearing. That was another of Graham's core traits: he could observe all manner of human behavior with curiosity, but without being judgmental.
Graham and Lee dated for about a year. He was very gentlemanly in his courtship. He was a graduate student, so he had very little disposable income for fancy dates. Instead, their dates were creative...kite flying, canoeing, picnics, museums, and then there was the lasagna dinner he made for her in his toaster oven.
Apparently Graham and Lee broke up at one point, or maybe it was just Lee. But Graham knew what he wanted, so he responded with another of his core traits: he was infinitely patient, persevering and persistent. Lee was enrolled in an Adult Bnai Mitzvah class. Although Graham had grown up with an educated Jewish father, and though he had been Bar Mitzvah at the age of 13, he enrolled in the same class. Just to be with her.
His perseverence of course eventually paid off. Lee and Graham were married in October of 1988. They shared 20 wonderful years together. Was he a good husband? Without hesitation, Lee says he was the best. And she admits that she was not alway an easy one to live with. Graham never took offense. He made her a better person.
These past three years that Graham fought his cancer, and especially since April when his cancer turned aggressive, Lee was unwavering in her support and care for him. Karen, Paul and Gary all agree that no one ever took care of anybody as well as Lee took care of Graham.
Graham's career began at Organogenesis in Cambridge, where they were working to create replacement skin for burn victims using, in part, baby foreskins. From there he worked at OsteoArthritis Sciences, Wyeth and Centocor. Graham's final position was at Genentech, as Associate Director of Quality Control, directing the Stability lab, a critically important and detailed function within any biotech firm.
As a manager, one of his finest character traits created close and respectful relationships with those he supervised. Graham always treated others the way he would want to be treated himself. Another of his core traits: he lived his life in accord with the highest Jewish values. In the words of the First Century BCE sage Hillel, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man." Graham treated everyone this way: waitresses, nurses aides, and everyone with whom he interacted.
Outside of work, Graham had several passions: he loved bike riding, photography, home repair, and gardening.
Those who know him know how much Graham loved to ride his bicycle. He rode across the states of Utah and Iowa. He loved the challenge of cycling, preferring to ride uphill than on flat ground. Cycling cleared his head - these past years he cycled to and from work 3 days a week. In California, that meant twenty-two miles each way. By the time he got home in the evening, he had left the problems and challenges of work behind him. Cycling was also important to him because Graham liked to keep in shape.
And Graham was also a fixer. As a twelve-year-old, he took apart his Uncle Jerry's bicycles, cleaned every part and then reassembled the bikes, with no parts left over. It took hours, but Graham was quietly persistent and did not complain when things got tough.
Graham loved to fix things. He loved to go to house to house among family and friends in order to fix all kinds of things for them. In fact, Graham and Lee once found a perfect house to buy, but Graham didn't want to buy it because there was nothing in it that needed fixing. The passion to fix things reflects yet another core trait: living by the Jewish value of tikkun 0lam, repairing the world. Graham loved to leave things better than he found them. He did this with things and with institutions and with people.
Graham loved photography. Early in his professional life, he created a photography business on the side, mostly doing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He loved to capture beauty. And he found human behavior to be endlessly fascinating, often puzzling. He was an observer of people and he enjoyed capturing their images.
Graham also loved to produce beauty - in his garden. He loved to design his landscaping and to create and maintain his yard. Not only was he a keen observer; he also had remarkable vision; he could see what the garden would look like when the landscaping project was finished. And he was right.
From the time of his childhood, Graham had a relatively close circle of friends. And he kept up with them no matter where life took them. He was still in touch with one of his elementary school friends, Geoff. Graham would call them regularly, often when he would be driving to work.
Religiously, Graham was committed to his Judaism. He took Judaism seriously, both for its ethical teachings and also for its rituals and practices. He enjoyed coming to services on a regular basis and was a frequent member of our daily minyan at Shaare Zedek, especially in his year of mourning for his father.
In that context, I remember Graham as quiet, serious, and at the same time, gentle and friendly. We had a number of very good conversations, often over breakfast following minyan. Graham and Lee also were part of the Shaare Zedek Mission to Israel in 2005. He was committed to Israel and supportive of Lee's work with CAMERA. Graham had travelled to Israel following his high school graduation as part of a Young Judea program.
In Pirke Avot [Chapter 4, Mishnah 1], the second-century sage Ben Zoma asks a series of questions about understanding the primary virtues of a Jewish life. Eizeh hu chakham? Ha-lomeid mi-kol adam - "Who is wise? One who learns from every human being." Eizeh hu gibor? Ha-koveish et yitzro - "Who is mighty? One who can control his own inclinations [evil impulse]." Eizeh hu ashir? Ha-sameach b'chelko - "Who is rich? Those who are content with their portion." Eizeh hu mekhubad? Ha-mekhabeid et ha-beriot - "Who is honored? Those who honor all people."
Graham was a wise man, learning from others. He was quiet and engaged with those with whom he spoke. Though he was very intelligent and highly educated, Graham felt that he could learn something from everyone, either by how they behaved or what they said.
Graham was a mighty man - he was in control of himself to a degree that far exceeds that of most people. He was quiet, he was patient, he was even-tempered, he was forgiving, he had perseverance and he did not give up when he hit dead ends and tough spots.
Graham was a wealthy man - he was grateful for all that he had and he was also profoundly satisfied to have such a wonderful wife, family, friends, and career.
Graham was a man who was honored by others. He honored everyone with whom he came in contact, no matter what their station in life, no matter their relationship to him. He treated others how he wished to be treated himself.
Many people are defined by their life story. Graham was defined by his character, a character established when he was still a child and remaining constant for the remainder of his life. This was a profoundly good man - kind, thoughtful, and caring; persistent, hardworking, steady, reliable, self-reliant. He was considerate, supportive, altruistic, connected to family and friends. He was gorgeous, both on the outside and on the inside. He was committed to enduring values as expressed in Jewish principles and ritual, while at the same time oblivious to fads and pop culture. There was a timeless quality to Graham. He was intelligent, curious, and non-condescending.
Jewish tradition speaks of 36 righteous individuals that walk the earth at any given time. We don't know them; they don't know that they are one of this distinguished group. They are called Lamed Vavniks, from the Hebrew letters Lamed and Vav that numerically represent the number 36 (which is 18 x 2, or twice chai, life).
If he wasn't one of these Lamed Vavniks, he certainly was a candidate...and maybe even a finalist. The world is diminished with his passing.
May Graham Green rest in peace.
Zichrono livracha - may his memory be for a blessing in the lives of all who knew him and loved him.
[I'll include some of the letters he read from soon. Forsan's is below.]
When it came time to cover Graham's coffin with the earth...my mind went on a little vacation. I just kept thinking, "That coffin looks way too short for Graham. I don't think he's really in there." I think until I get back to our home in California and find that he's not there waiting for me, Graham's death won't be real to me.
Rabbi Fasman's remarks about Graham really captured his essence. First he read excerpts (I'll share those with you soon) from many letters that people had written to me about Graham. And then he delivered his own remarks (see below):
About Graham (David ben Ze'ev ha-Levi):
Such a young man. Such a remarkable man. Such a profound loss.
Graham Green lived only 51 years. Though it was far too short, this was a man who touched this world in countless kind and positive ways. Today is the fifth day of Chanukkah - in fact, Graham passed away on the first day of Chanukkah. The hymn most associated with this holiday is Maoz Tzur - Rock of Ages. The more I learned about Graham, the more I realized that he was a rock himself - strong, constant, and consistent.
Graham was born the second of two sons to Walter and J Green. When he was about five years old, his parents divorced. At that time, his grandmother, Esther Green, moved in and became a guiding motherly presence in his life until the time he went to college.
It wasn't a large family, but it was close. There was his brother Gary, eight years his senior. Additionally, Graham's immediate family included his uncle Jerry and aunt Marie, and their children Karen and Paul. As the years passed, the family grew. Karen married Bob and Paul married Avivah. Karen and Bob's son Will is just a few works before Bar Mitzvah, and Paul and Avivah have a 3 1/2 year old, Jonah. There is one other very important family member in Graham's life - his stepmother Frada, who came into his life when he was about 20 and with whom he was close for these past 30 years. Sadly, Graham lost his father Walter four years ago, and just last month, his mother passed away.
Though Graham and Lee never had children, they did host a series of international students in their home for many years. Graham was able to be a father figure to many of them and kept in touch with many of his surrogate children over the years.
As a child, Graham was mature well beyond his years. He was intelligent, with a sweet and gentle demeanor. Gary reports that his little brother was cute and easy - Graham wasn't a cranky kid. Even as a child, Graham treated others well...this was one of his outstanding traits throughout his life.
And Graham was both a child and a man who persevered. He faced challenges with equanimity and patiently continued to move forward until he had achieved his goal. After transferring from another school, he graduated from the University of Illinois with a double major in biochemistry and microbiology.
Graduate school was also a challenge. Graham encountered a number of dead ends while pursuing his doctorate. When he had finally hit upon a promising thesis topic and had nearly completed all the work necessary for his Ph.D., someone else finished the same project first, so Graham patiently began a new project. He did finally receive his Ph.D. in Biochemistry from Rutgers University.
Graham's patience paid off in another important way during his graduate school years. In August of 1986, through the Boston Jewish Young Adult Center, Graham met Lee at a group outing to Canobie Lake Amusement Park. The first thing they did together was to go on the roller coaster ride. He found her screams endearing. That was another of Graham's core traits: he could observe all manner of human behavior with curiosity, but without being judgmental.
Graham and Lee dated for about a year. He was very gentlemanly in his courtship. He was a graduate student, so he had very little disposable income for fancy dates. Instead, their dates were creative...kite flying, canoeing, picnics, museums, and then there was the lasagna dinner he made for her in his toaster oven.
Apparently Graham and Lee broke up at one point, or maybe it was just Lee. But Graham knew what he wanted, so he responded with another of his core traits: he was infinitely patient, persevering and persistent. Lee was enrolled in an Adult Bnai Mitzvah class. Although Graham had grown up with an educated Jewish father, and though he had been Bar Mitzvah at the age of 13, he enrolled in the same class. Just to be with her.
His perseverence of course eventually paid off. Lee and Graham were married in October of 1988. They shared 20 wonderful years together. Was he a good husband? Without hesitation, Lee says he was the best. And she admits that she was not alway an easy one to live with. Graham never took offense. He made her a better person.
These past three years that Graham fought his cancer, and especially since April when his cancer turned aggressive, Lee was unwavering in her support and care for him. Karen, Paul and Gary all agree that no one ever took care of anybody as well as Lee took care of Graham.
Graham's career began at Organogenesis in Cambridge, where they were working to create replacement skin for burn victims using, in part, baby foreskins. From there he worked at OsteoArthritis Sciences, Wyeth and Centocor. Graham's final position was at Genentech, as Associate Director of Quality Control, directing the Stability lab, a critically important and detailed function within any biotech firm.
As a manager, one of his finest character traits created close and respectful relationships with those he supervised. Graham always treated others the way he would want to be treated himself. Another of his core traits: he lived his life in accord with the highest Jewish values. In the words of the First Century BCE sage Hillel, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man." Graham treated everyone this way: waitresses, nurses aides, and everyone with whom he interacted.
Outside of work, Graham had several passions: he loved bike riding, photography, home repair, and gardening.
Those who know him know how much Graham loved to ride his bicycle. He rode across the states of Utah and Iowa. He loved the challenge of cycling, preferring to ride uphill than on flat ground. Cycling cleared his head - these past years he cycled to and from work 3 days a week. In California, that meant twenty-two miles each way. By the time he got home in the evening, he had left the problems and challenges of work behind him. Cycling was also important to him because Graham liked to keep in shape.
And Graham was also a fixer. As a twelve-year-old, he took apart his Uncle Jerry's bicycles, cleaned every part and then reassembled the bikes, with no parts left over. It took hours, but Graham was quietly persistent and did not complain when things got tough.
Graham loved to fix things. He loved to go to house to house among family and friends in order to fix all kinds of things for them. In fact, Graham and Lee once found a perfect house to buy, but Graham didn't want to buy it because there was nothing in it that needed fixing. The passion to fix things reflects yet another core trait: living by the Jewish value of tikkun 0lam, repairing the world. Graham loved to leave things better than he found them. He did this with things and with institutions and with people.
Graham loved photography. Early in his professional life, he created a photography business on the side, mostly doing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He loved to capture beauty. And he found human behavior to be endlessly fascinating, often puzzling. He was an observer of people and he enjoyed capturing their images.
Graham also loved to produce beauty - in his garden. He loved to design his landscaping and to create and maintain his yard. Not only was he a keen observer; he also had remarkable vision; he could see what the garden would look like when the landscaping project was finished. And he was right.
From the time of his childhood, Graham had a relatively close circle of friends. And he kept up with them no matter where life took them. He was still in touch with one of his elementary school friends, Geoff. Graham would call them regularly, often when he would be driving to work.
Religiously, Graham was committed to his Judaism. He took Judaism seriously, both for its ethical teachings and also for its rituals and practices. He enjoyed coming to services on a regular basis and was a frequent member of our daily minyan at Shaare Zedek, especially in his year of mourning for his father.
In that context, I remember Graham as quiet, serious, and at the same time, gentle and friendly. We had a number of very good conversations, often over breakfast following minyan. Graham and Lee also were part of the Shaare Zedek Mission to Israel in 2005. He was committed to Israel and supportive of Lee's work with CAMERA. Graham had travelled to Israel following his high school graduation as part of a Young Judea program.
In Pirke Avot [Chapter 4, Mishnah 1], the second-century sage Ben Zoma asks a series of questions about understanding the primary virtues of a Jewish life. Eizeh hu chakham? Ha-lomeid mi-kol adam - "Who is wise? One who learns from every human being." Eizeh hu gibor? Ha-koveish et yitzro - "Who is mighty? One who can control his own inclinations [evil impulse]." Eizeh hu ashir? Ha-sameach b'chelko - "Who is rich? Those who are content with their portion." Eizeh hu mekhubad? Ha-mekhabeid et ha-beriot - "Who is honored? Those who honor all people."
Graham was a wise man, learning from others. He was quiet and engaged with those with whom he spoke. Though he was very intelligent and highly educated, Graham felt that he could learn something from everyone, either by how they behaved or what they said.
Graham was a mighty man - he was in control of himself to a degree that far exceeds that of most people. He was quiet, he was patient, he was even-tempered, he was forgiving, he had perseverance and he did not give up when he hit dead ends and tough spots.
Graham was a wealthy man - he was grateful for all that he had and he was also profoundly satisfied to have such a wonderful wife, family, friends, and career.
Graham was a man who was honored by others. He honored everyone with whom he came in contact, no matter what their station in life, no matter their relationship to him. He treated others how he wished to be treated himself.
Many people are defined by their life story. Graham was defined by his character, a character established when he was still a child and remaining constant for the remainder of his life. This was a profoundly good man - kind, thoughtful, and caring; persistent, hardworking, steady, reliable, self-reliant. He was considerate, supportive, altruistic, connected to family and friends. He was gorgeous, both on the outside and on the inside. He was committed to enduring values as expressed in Jewish principles and ritual, while at the same time oblivious to fads and pop culture. There was a timeless quality to Graham. He was intelligent, curious, and non-condescending.
Jewish tradition speaks of 36 righteous individuals that walk the earth at any given time. We don't know them; they don't know that they are one of this distinguished group. They are called Lamed Vavniks, from the Hebrew letters Lamed and Vav that numerically represent the number 36 (which is 18 x 2, or twice chai, life).
If he wasn't one of these Lamed Vavniks, he certainly was a candidate...and maybe even a finalist. The world is diminished with his passing.
May Graham Green rest in peace.
Zichrono livracha - may his memory be for a blessing in the lives of all who knew him and loved him.
[I'll include some of the letters he read from soon. Forsan's is below.]
A Tribute to Graham from Forsan
This beautiful message is from Forsan H, our "honorary son". Through the International Friends program at Brandeis, Graham and I were Forsan's host parents when he was a student at Brandeis, and we've remained close with him ever since.
Forsan wrote this to be read during the funeral. He was in Jerusalem, but "attended" the funeral by listening in to cousin Paul's open cellphone.
*******************************************
In my 12 years of living in America and having Graham in my life as a father and a friend, I have never met anyone so thoughtful and considerate as he was, so kind and calm, so genuine and sweet, and so optimistic—always seeing the glass half full. “Dr. Green” as I so often have endearingly called him, was a man who takes everything that life throws at him with a sense of perspective and a smile on top, a smile that brightens his entire face and calms those around him. He was a man with an exceptional ability to thrive on life’s challenges, physical or emotional, and to keep pushing further and further; a man who finds beauty, meaning, and happiness in the simple things in life: in biking, in gardening, in bird watching, in photography, and even in eating a simple meal. But above all, he was a man with the greatest sense of commitment and dedication to things he loves: to his sweetheart Lee, to his brother Gary, to his family and friends, to his work, and to his breakfast cereal—a relationship that dates back even older than his marriage! [ note from Lee: He was very loyal to Quaker Oats Low Fat Granola, because it was made in his hometown of Danville, IL ]
Graham’s life has been about leaving our world a better place than before. It was exactly two months ago on this day that I accompanied Graham to the Stanford Medical Hospital for a regular radiation appointment. That day, the doctor was late, and Graham was weak and weary. In our wait, we talked about life and its meaning. I asked him: “how do you deal with all that you are going through?” His response will ring vividly in my mind until the day I die. He said: “Throughout my life I have tried to be a part of something bigger than me that will help me make a meaningful contribution to this world…these days are no different. I wake up every morning and make it my mission to ‘contribute’ in my own way—either by making Lee smile, or by filling the bird feeder, or by fixing little things around the house.” What a way to live a life—Graham’s selfless nature and generosity of spirit are uplifting and in celebrating his life I take it upon myself to continue his mission and live my life by this very principle.
I feel privileged to have spent many days, but clearly not enough, with Graham and Lee in their home recently. This time, Graham’s always meticulously groomed beard was gone only to uncover a beautiful baby face, and a rock-solid fighter’s spirit. His battle against cancer was fought with so much patience, resilience, humility and grace. And in the midst of such a fierce fight, when most of us would be resentful and bitter, Graham continued to smile. And just as much as I will miss his smile, I will miss his strikingly beautiful deep voice—one of God’s many gifts to Graham! I already miss you “Dr. Green” and love you very much.
I am in Jerusalem at the moment listening to all of you celebrate Graham’s life and I only wish I could be there with you Lee. But as you leave the service, I will honor your husband’s life with a prayer and a visit to the holy sites of this city that Graham loves so much. I know he will be watching me from above, with a smile.
Forsan wrote this to be read during the funeral. He was in Jerusalem, but "attended" the funeral by listening in to cousin Paul's open cellphone.
*******************************************
In my 12 years of living in America and having Graham in my life as a father and a friend, I have never met anyone so thoughtful and considerate as he was, so kind and calm, so genuine and sweet, and so optimistic—always seeing the glass half full. “Dr. Green” as I so often have endearingly called him, was a man who takes everything that life throws at him with a sense of perspective and a smile on top, a smile that brightens his entire face and calms those around him. He was a man with an exceptional ability to thrive on life’s challenges, physical or emotional, and to keep pushing further and further; a man who finds beauty, meaning, and happiness in the simple things in life: in biking, in gardening, in bird watching, in photography, and even in eating a simple meal. But above all, he was a man with the greatest sense of commitment and dedication to things he loves: to his sweetheart Lee, to his brother Gary, to his family and friends, to his work, and to his breakfast cereal—a relationship that dates back even older than his marriage! [ note from Lee: He was very loyal to Quaker Oats Low Fat Granola, because it was made in his hometown of Danville, IL ]
Graham’s life has been about leaving our world a better place than before. It was exactly two months ago on this day that I accompanied Graham to the Stanford Medical Hospital for a regular radiation appointment. That day, the doctor was late, and Graham was weak and weary. In our wait, we talked about life and its meaning. I asked him: “how do you deal with all that you are going through?” His response will ring vividly in my mind until the day I die. He said: “Throughout my life I have tried to be a part of something bigger than me that will help me make a meaningful contribution to this world…these days are no different. I wake up every morning and make it my mission to ‘contribute’ in my own way—either by making Lee smile, or by filling the bird feeder, or by fixing little things around the house.” What a way to live a life—Graham’s selfless nature and generosity of spirit are uplifting and in celebrating his life I take it upon myself to continue his mission and live my life by this very principle.
I feel privileged to have spent many days, but clearly not enough, with Graham and Lee in their home recently. This time, Graham’s always meticulously groomed beard was gone only to uncover a beautiful baby face, and a rock-solid fighter’s spirit. His battle against cancer was fought with so much patience, resilience, humility and grace. And in the midst of such a fierce fight, when most of us would be resentful and bitter, Graham continued to smile. And just as much as I will miss his smile, I will miss his strikingly beautiful deep voice—one of God’s many gifts to Graham! I already miss you “Dr. Green” and love you very much.
I am in Jerusalem at the moment listening to all of you celebrate Graham’s life and I only wish I could be there with you Lee. But as you leave the service, I will honor your husband’s life with a prayer and a visit to the holy sites of this city that Graham loves so much. I know he will be watching me from above, with a smile.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Graham's Obituary
The past few days have been a blur. I had to fly to St. Louis Tuesday morning so that I could pick out Graham's burial plot Wednesday morning. I was up all night Monday unpacking all the stuff we had had in the Manor Care room, and then doing laundry and packing for the St. Louis trip. I was so very very tired, but I didn't have time to sleep.
Around 4am, as I was trying to find some winter shoes to pack, I had to lie down on the closet floor to look underneath the clothes for the "hardly ever wear, should throw away but can't" shoes tucked way in back. Well, it felt soooo good to lie down, like one of the greatest pleasures ever...and suddenly... zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I was asleep. Tick, tock, tick, tock...cab coming, need to be packed...zzzzzzzzzzz...
Ring, ring! The telephone woke me up. Thankfully my neighbor Ella saw that my lights were on and had just gotten the email message from me about Graham's death, so she called to ask if she could come over and give me a hug. If I had stayed asleep, I would have surely missed my plane. Thank you, Ella, for waking me up!! And the hug was much needed too.
Flew to St. Louis via Los Angeles. You could tell which people were going back home to LA, and which were just passing on to somewhere else. The LA people were all so well groomed. So blond. So buff. So botoxed. The rest of us looked, uh, comfortable.
Then I connected with a flight to St. Louis. The first two hours of the three hour flight were fine, but the third hour....time seemed to stand still.
When I got off the plane, I had a call waiting for me from the funeral director, telling me that he needed to send in Graham's obituary first thing in the morning. You'd think I would have had Graham's obituary written a long time ago. Well, you'd be wrong. Strangely, Graham's death surprised me. I always felt like I had more time to write the obituary. Plus, I didn't feel up to the task. It's a big responsibility trying to capture someone's essence in a short obit. I wanted to get input from Graham's brother and cousins, but there never seemed to be a right time.
As soon as I arrived at the Chesterfield hotel, I went straight to my brother's room (he had arrived that afternoon), and started writing. I figured if I went to my room, I'd just fall asleep.
Below is what eventually was written. Forgive me if I didn't do Graham justice.
Here's the link to Graham's obituary. It's on an interesting website called legacy.com
It allows you to sign a guest book, add comments, upload photos. So, please feel free to participate in that way!
Here's the link to the obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?I=LS000121818956X
Around 4am, as I was trying to find some winter shoes to pack, I had to lie down on the closet floor to look underneath the clothes for the "hardly ever wear, should throw away but can't" shoes tucked way in back. Well, it felt soooo good to lie down, like one of the greatest pleasures ever...and suddenly... zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I was asleep. Tick, tock, tick, tock...cab coming, need to be packed...zzzzzzzzzzz...
Ring, ring! The telephone woke me up. Thankfully my neighbor Ella saw that my lights were on and had just gotten the email message from me about Graham's death, so she called to ask if she could come over and give me a hug. If I had stayed asleep, I would have surely missed my plane. Thank you, Ella, for waking me up!! And the hug was much needed too.
Flew to St. Louis via Los Angeles. You could tell which people were going back home to LA, and which were just passing on to somewhere else. The LA people were all so well groomed. So blond. So buff. So botoxed. The rest of us looked, uh, comfortable.
Then I connected with a flight to St. Louis. The first two hours of the three hour flight were fine, but the third hour....time seemed to stand still.
When I got off the plane, I had a call waiting for me from the funeral director, telling me that he needed to send in Graham's obituary first thing in the morning. You'd think I would have had Graham's obituary written a long time ago. Well, you'd be wrong. Strangely, Graham's death surprised me. I always felt like I had more time to write the obituary. Plus, I didn't feel up to the task. It's a big responsibility trying to capture someone's essence in a short obit. I wanted to get input from Graham's brother and cousins, but there never seemed to be a right time.
As soon as I arrived at the Chesterfield hotel, I went straight to my brother's room (he had arrived that afternoon), and started writing. I figured if I went to my room, I'd just fall asleep.
Below is what eventually was written. Forgive me if I didn't do Graham justice.
Here's the link to Graham's obituary. It's on an interesting website called legacy.com
It allows you to sign a guest book, add comments, upload photos. So, please feel free to participate in that way!
Here's the link to the obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?I=LS000121818956X
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Graham Not Alone; Our Fave Charities
I never liked for Graham to be alone while he was going through his various treatments and hospital stays. Even now, I abhor the thought of his body being left all alone at the funeral home. So I'm very glad that there's a Jewish tradition of hiring a "shomer," a guard/watchman, to sit with the body until it is buried.
People have been asking where they can make a donation in Graham's memory. Here are some of our favorite charities:
Leukemia/Lymphoma Society http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/
CAMERA (Committee for Accuracy in Middle East Reporting in America) http://www.camera.org/ 617-789-3672
Hadassah (earmark for Young Judaea Camps) http://www.hadassah.org/
Pets in Need http://www.petsinneed.org/
People have been asking where they can make a donation in Graham's memory. Here are some of our favorite charities:
Leukemia/Lymphoma Society http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/
CAMERA (Committee for Accuracy in Middle East Reporting in America) http://www.camera.org/ 617-789-3672
Hadassah (earmark for Young Judaea Camps) http://www.hadassah.org/
Pets in Need http://www.petsinneed.org/
Monday, December 22, 2008
Graham Died Today; Funeral Details
My sweet sweet husband died today around 3pm. He had a very peaceful day, pain-free, and he was surrounded by family stroking him. We had read some psalms to him a few minutes before.
I whispered in his ear how much I loved him. And about a minute afterward I noticed that he had stopped breathing.
I feel so lucky that I had 20 years with the nicest guy in the world.
Eventually I will be moving back to Missouri, so I want to bury Graham in a cemetery near our house there. Before he was even sick he told me about a beautiful cemetery that he often passed on his bikerides around the area. So I thought it would be fitting to bury him there, in a place that he associated with the bikerides he loved so much.
I'll be flying out to St. Louis (wish me luck getting a reservation!) and the funeral will be on Friday morning, at 11am. We'll have a graveside service conducted by Rabbi Fasman, who Graham admired as a wonderful teacher and role model for kindness.
When I get back to CA, there will be shiva services (a brief service with prayers/readings) at our house to which y'all (family, friends, neighbors, work pals) are invited. At the end, we'll open it up for anyone who wants to share a story or their feelings about Graham. Stay tuned for details, but my guess is that it would be from 7pm - 8pm.
I'm dreading going home to my empty house.
Thanks again for making "Graham's Adventures in Cancerland" a journey filled with love and sweetness.
I whispered in his ear how much I loved him. And about a minute afterward I noticed that he had stopped breathing.
I feel so lucky that I had 20 years with the nicest guy in the world.
Eventually I will be moving back to Missouri, so I want to bury Graham in a cemetery near our house there. Before he was even sick he told me about a beautiful cemetery that he often passed on his bikerides around the area. So I thought it would be fitting to bury him there, in a place that he associated with the bikerides he loved so much.
I'll be flying out to St. Louis (wish me luck getting a reservation!) and the funeral will be on Friday morning, at 11am. We'll have a graveside service conducted by Rabbi Fasman, who Graham admired as a wonderful teacher and role model for kindness.
When I get back to CA, there will be shiva services (a brief service with prayers/readings) at our house to which y'all (family, friends, neighbors, work pals) are invited. At the end, we'll open it up for anyone who wants to share a story or their feelings about Graham. Stay tuned for details, but my guess is that it would be from 7pm - 8pm.
I'm dreading going home to my empty house.
Thanks again for making "Graham's Adventures in Cancerland" a journey filled with love and sweetness.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Scary Day; the Power of Touch
Graham's body was saying "Enough already!" over a month ago. Food had become repulsive to him, but he forced himself to eat. Now that he isn't fully conscious, his strong will is no longer in control, and his body has taken over. Since Saturday, when we put any food or water up to his mouth, he clamps it shut or waves us away.
On Saturday, there were still moments when Graham spoke to us. And when we talked to him, he would smile and you could see he was comprehending what was being said to him. But today, Sunday, he's been in a different state. He opens his eyes every once in a while, but he doesn't appear to really see.
He also woke up today with heavy chest congestion, which became very scary several times during the day. Lots of horrible gurgling that totally freaked me out. The medical staff said there was nothing to be done about it. Amazingly, he's able to sleep right through the gurgling.
Also his pulse is very fast, around 137.
In the morning, he started to make little moaning sounds, which broke my heart to think that he was in pain even when he was sleeping. We totally loaded him up on pain medication and the little moans didn't stop. But then I found that when I kissed him or stroked his back, they often stopped. When he had his massage, they stopped for the whole ENTIRE hour, and never started back up!! Such a relief for all involved.
We had visitors today who were very comforting to me, but alas, I don't think Graham knew they were there.
It was the first night of Hanukkah tonight and I "lit" the electric menorah since they don't allow candles here. The Hanukkah story [of the one day supply of oil for the eternal light (representing God's eternal love) in the Temple miraculously lasting eight days until more oil could be pressed] brings to mind how much longer Graham has remained with us than was expected by the doctors. It wasn't the cure we were hoping for, but the extra time has been precious.
On Saturday, there were still moments when Graham spoke to us. And when we talked to him, he would smile and you could see he was comprehending what was being said to him. But today, Sunday, he's been in a different state. He opens his eyes every once in a while, but he doesn't appear to really see.
He also woke up today with heavy chest congestion, which became very scary several times during the day. Lots of horrible gurgling that totally freaked me out. The medical staff said there was nothing to be done about it. Amazingly, he's able to sleep right through the gurgling.
Also his pulse is very fast, around 137.
In the morning, he started to make little moaning sounds, which broke my heart to think that he was in pain even when he was sleeping. We totally loaded him up on pain medication and the little moans didn't stop. But then I found that when I kissed him or stroked his back, they often stopped. When he had his massage, they stopped for the whole ENTIRE hour, and never started back up!! Such a relief for all involved.
We had visitors today who were very comforting to me, but alas, I don't think Graham knew they were there.
It was the first night of Hanukkah tonight and I "lit" the electric menorah since they don't allow candles here. The Hanukkah story [of the one day supply of oil for the eternal light (representing God's eternal love) in the Temple miraculously lasting eight days until more oil could be pressed] brings to mind how much longer Graham has remained with us than was expected by the doctors. It wasn't the cure we were hoping for, but the extra time has been precious.
In a Quandary about Visitors
Many of our friends have asked if they can come visit Graham to say goodbye. I never know what to say! I'm betwixt and between. Graham isn't really "himself" these days due to all the morphine, and due to the cancer in the brain. Not to mention being really really tired. I don't know if the "real" Graham we all know and love would appreciate his friends seeing the "Graham on drugs." I want to protect his dignity.
At the same time, "Graham on drugs" enjoys having visitors and I hate to deprive him of that pleasure. Also, hey, the dying process is a part of life and we are all going to go through it. Many of you have already experienced it with other loved ones. So I'm sure our nice friends would not think less of Graham for simply being human.
We had such a wonderful visit with Joan T and her husband yesterday. So, I'm back to leaning toward saying yes to non-family visitors for short (5-10 minutes) visits.
Joan and her hubby were the perfect visitors. They were cheerful yet caring. They didn't expect Graham to have a normal conversation with them, but they knew that he was still listening (in the hazy way that someone does when he's half asleep). Joan told Graham what he meant to her, why she enjoyed working with him, the qualities about him that she admired...They cheered us up, touched our hearts, but also knew to keep the visit brief, because it is hard for Graham to stay awake.
I'm doing my best to surround Graham in a cheerful but serene atmosphere. While it's natural to tear up when contemplating Graham leaving us, I strive to not outright cry in front of him. I just can't imagine that having people crying around him or being all somber and sad could be at all soothing.
Please know that email and snailmail goodbyes are also WONDERFUL. On Friday, Graham had an unusually clear day and I spent much of the day reading to him all the fabulous notes that people sent to him. He loved them. That was a day with a lot of fond smiles.
If you want to visit, just give us a call .
There are some times when it's just not a good time to visit, like when he's getting one of his fabulous massages. Or if someone else is visiting. Or if Graham is just not feeling up to it. So please call right before you want to come to see if it's a good time.
The hospice folks gave me a book about what to expect in his last days, and it says that often in the last week or few days, the dying person often doesn't want to have visitors, even family and close friends! So please don't be offended if Graham suddenly decides he doesn't want to see you. It's just the natural process of turning away from this world to the next one.
At the same time, "Graham on drugs" enjoys having visitors and I hate to deprive him of that pleasure. Also, hey, the dying process is a part of life and we are all going to go through it. Many of you have already experienced it with other loved ones. So I'm sure our nice friends would not think less of Graham for simply being human.
We had such a wonderful visit with Joan T and her husband yesterday. So, I'm back to leaning toward saying yes to non-family visitors for short (5-10 minutes) visits.
Joan and her hubby were the perfect visitors. They were cheerful yet caring. They didn't expect Graham to have a normal conversation with them, but they knew that he was still listening (in the hazy way that someone does when he's half asleep). Joan told Graham what he meant to her, why she enjoyed working with him, the qualities about him that she admired...They cheered us up, touched our hearts, but also knew to keep the visit brief, because it is hard for Graham to stay awake.
I'm doing my best to surround Graham in a cheerful but serene atmosphere. While it's natural to tear up when contemplating Graham leaving us, I strive to not outright cry in front of him. I just can't imagine that having people crying around him or being all somber and sad could be at all soothing.
Please know that email and snailmail goodbyes are also WONDERFUL. On Friday, Graham had an unusually clear day and I spent much of the day reading to him all the fabulous notes that people sent to him. He loved them. That was a day with a lot of fond smiles.
If you want to visit, just give us a call .
There are some times when it's just not a good time to visit, like when he's getting one of his fabulous massages. Or if someone else is visiting. Or if Graham is just not feeling up to it. So please call right before you want to come to see if it's a good time.
The hospice folks gave me a book about what to expect in his last days, and it says that often in the last week or few days, the dying person often doesn't want to have visitors, even family and close friends! So please don't be offended if Graham suddenly decides he doesn't want to see you. It's just the natural process of turning away from this world to the next one.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Graham the Charmer
Graham is so sweet. He's loaded up with morphine and dilaudid, in and out of sleep all day. When he does talk, it mostly isn't very clear. You can tell he has something to say, but the words just don't come out right. But what came out crystal clear when two nurses aides walked into the room this morning? "And what can I do for you two lovely ladies today?" His charm and sweet nature are apparently hard-wired into him!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Graham Out of Ammo in his Cancer Fight
Dear Family and Friends,
Graham has put up a very tenacious fight against his crazy aggressive cancer, but, I'm sorry to say, we're officially out of ammunition now. Yesterday's PET-scan showed that the cancer has once again spread into his brain, and has advanced much further throughout his body. More chemo or radiation would have no benefit and might actually hasten his death. So we're focusing now on pain management and making him as comfortable and mellow as possible: massages, soothing music, bird watching, reading him the wonderful emails and cards so many of you continue to send... The doctor thinks Graham has a month or so left with us, probably less.
Graham is sleeping quite a bit now, so it's tough to reach him by phone. But if you want to send him an email or card, I will be sure to read it to him. Hearing from y'all always brings a smile to his face.
Thanks to all of you who have helped Graham through this challenging time, surrounding him with such love and appreciation, making him feel cherished with your visits, calls, cards, emails and care packages.
We wish you a happy Hanukkah or Christmas and a new year filled with health, love, purpose and joy.
Graham has put up a very tenacious fight against his crazy aggressive cancer, but, I'm sorry to say, we're officially out of ammunition now. Yesterday's PET-scan showed that the cancer has once again spread into his brain, and has advanced much further throughout his body. More chemo or radiation would have no benefit and might actually hasten his death. So we're focusing now on pain management and making him as comfortable and mellow as possible: massages, soothing music, bird watching, reading him the wonderful emails and cards so many of you continue to send... The doctor thinks Graham has a month or so left with us, probably less.
Graham is sleeping quite a bit now, so it's tough to reach him by phone. But if you want to send him an email or card, I will be sure to read it to him. Hearing from y'all always brings a smile to his face.
Thanks to all of you who have helped Graham through this challenging time, surrounding him with such love and appreciation, making him feel cherished with your visits, calls, cards, emails and care packages.
We wish you a happy Hanukkah or Christmas and a new year filled with health, love, purpose and joy.
Perfect Hanukkah Menorah for Graham, the avid cyclist!
I even got to tell the artist what color to make the shorts, shirt and wheels.
Love,
Lee
P.S. A couple of people have asked how to see the older posts that have seemingly disappeared from the blog lineup. Just click on "Older Posts" at the bottom right of the last blog post. Or, click on the archives in the righthand menu. There, you can read them month by month, from April through today.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Say What?
The nurses and nursing assistants (CNAs) here are so sweet. One of the CNAs who particularly dotes on Graham came up to me at the end of her shift to say that she would have two days off. And then she said, "If something happens to your husband while I'm gone, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed knowing him. He's such a good man. Please give him a kiss for me. "
Well of course on the one hand, I was very touched. I hugged her and thanked her. But ON THE OTHER HAND, say what? She thinks Graham might die in the next two days??? The staff here do see a lot of death, and likely know what signs to look for, so needless to say, I was very spooked.
Since Graham has been going through so much this past week, I've asked both the Manor Care doctor and our usual oncologist if Graham might be close to the end. The Manor Care doctor was more pessimistic. She felt that the swelling (lymphedema, ascites), lack of appetite, and the beginning of some wheezing did indicate that he's approaching the end. BUT, since he's forcing himself to eat, she said that he is staving off death, and that death wasn't expected immediately. But if he stopped eating, he would likely go into kidney failure within a few days and die a painless death. She said that the lack of appetite was the body's way of bringing on a pain-free death, because kidney failure releases some chemical or something that acts as a natural pain-killer. The patient gets very sleepy, until he eventually is sleeping all day, and just gently and gradually passes away.
Our regular oncologist was more blase, said the test results were not that alarming, that Graham has actually been worse before, and that she's still expecting him to come to Stanford on Wednesday for his PET-CT scan, doctor's appointment and chemo. Phew! I'll take that opinion, thank you.
Graham woke up today with a high fever of 102.6, felt pretty bad, and asked for pain meds. We gave him a heavier dose than usual, along with regular doses of Tylenol, and he slept almost the whole day. His fever is down to 100.6. He woke up around dinnertime, ate a pretty good amount, and then went right back to sleep. He's snoozing away as I type.
The blood and urine tests done recently didn't indicate any infections, so the fever is likely "tumor fever," which happens when someone has a heavy tumor burden. Graham has had tumor fever off and on before. It waxes and wanes, based on how effective a particular treatment was. But, since the cancer has always come back, the tumors regrow, and then the fevers and chills return.
Is it really only 10 days to Christmas and 6 days until Hanukkah?? Where did Autumn go to?
Well of course on the one hand, I was very touched. I hugged her and thanked her. But ON THE OTHER HAND, say what? She thinks Graham might die in the next two days??? The staff here do see a lot of death, and likely know what signs to look for, so needless to say, I was very spooked.
Since Graham has been going through so much this past week, I've asked both the Manor Care doctor and our usual oncologist if Graham might be close to the end. The Manor Care doctor was more pessimistic. She felt that the swelling (lymphedema, ascites), lack of appetite, and the beginning of some wheezing did indicate that he's approaching the end. BUT, since he's forcing himself to eat, she said that he is staving off death, and that death wasn't expected immediately. But if he stopped eating, he would likely go into kidney failure within a few days and die a painless death. She said that the lack of appetite was the body's way of bringing on a pain-free death, because kidney failure releases some chemical or something that acts as a natural pain-killer. The patient gets very sleepy, until he eventually is sleeping all day, and just gently and gradually passes away.
Our regular oncologist was more blase, said the test results were not that alarming, that Graham has actually been worse before, and that she's still expecting him to come to Stanford on Wednesday for his PET-CT scan, doctor's appointment and chemo. Phew! I'll take that opinion, thank you.
Graham woke up today with a high fever of 102.6, felt pretty bad, and asked for pain meds. We gave him a heavier dose than usual, along with regular doses of Tylenol, and he slept almost the whole day. His fever is down to 100.6. He woke up around dinnertime, ate a pretty good amount, and then went right back to sleep. He's snoozing away as I type.
The blood and urine tests done recently didn't indicate any infections, so the fever is likely "tumor fever," which happens when someone has a heavy tumor burden. Graham has had tumor fever off and on before. It waxes and wanes, based on how effective a particular treatment was. But, since the cancer has always come back, the tumors regrow, and then the fevers and chills return.
Is it really only 10 days to Christmas and 6 days until Hanukkah?? Where did Autumn go to?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Nothing Can Be Done for Swelling
We got the test results back around midnight, so we didn't need to go to the ER. The good news is that his kidneys and bladder are fine. The bad news is that the swelling and pain are cancer-related and can't be helped by taking diuretics or doing any kind of procedure. What I think the doctor said is that the lymph fluid is backing up because the lymph system is so clogged with tumors, so that surrounding tissue gets somewhat flooded/swollen. And unfortunately, there's no way to drain the fluid, since it's system-wide.
I was really hoping that it was something else, so that we could take some action and stop Graham's pain. Unfortunately, it means that this will be an ongoing problem that can only be dealt with through pain medications. I feel so bad for Graham that he has to go through this. He so doesn't deserve it!
AHHHH, MASSAGE:
Graham had a wonderful massage today from the massage therapist he had previously used at Stanford Hospital. It's tough on the muscles to be in bed so much, so a deep massage really helps.
Ahhhh, we love massages. I sometimes go for a haircut when I don't quite need one yet, just because the hair stylist gives a heavenly head massage during the shampoo.
It's great when you can just close your eyes and totally relax. And you can do that when you don't have to stare at the person giving you a massage. Which is what makes those hand and arm massages that some manicurists like to give so freaky weird. You're like two feet from them, face to face, while they're massaging your arm. Where do you look? What do you say? Ugh. So awkward!
I was really hoping that it was something else, so that we could take some action and stop Graham's pain. Unfortunately, it means that this will be an ongoing problem that can only be dealt with through pain medications. I feel so bad for Graham that he has to go through this. He so doesn't deserve it!
AHHHH, MASSAGE:
Graham had a wonderful massage today from the massage therapist he had previously used at Stanford Hospital. It's tough on the muscles to be in bed so much, so a deep massage really helps.
Ahhhh, we love massages. I sometimes go for a haircut when I don't quite need one yet, just because the hair stylist gives a heavenly head massage during the shampoo.
It's great when you can just close your eyes and totally relax. And you can do that when you don't have to stare at the person giving you a massage. Which is what makes those hand and arm massages that some manicurists like to give so freaky weird. You're like two feet from them, face to face, while they're massaging your arm. Where do you look? What do you say? Ugh. So awkward!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....to the ER?
Graham's been having a rough few days. Lots of belly pain, lots of bloating. Not sure if it's related to the bladder, intestines, spleen, kidneys, or a build up of fluid in the tissues just because of the spread of the cancer. Every day for the past 3 days, there's been an attempt to get some tests done to figure it out, but due to errors by the doctor and the technician, the tests either didn't get done, or were done incorrectly. Arrrghhh. The doctor and technician both seem very caring and nice, but, what are ya gonna do, people make mistakes. ( I could write a very long HORRIFYING book on this topic, particularly about nurses and catheters.)
After telling the Manor Care doctor we were ready to go to the ER to finally get some answers, she decided to get the tests done STAT (the squeaky wheel does indeed get the oil). Hopefully we'll have some answers in a few hours. If not, particularly since Graham now has a fever of 101.2, we'll scedaddle to the ER.
In the meantime, Graham has been on dilaudid (not sure if that's spelled right), a really good pain drug that works quickly, just about around the clock. It relieves the pain, but it basically means he sleeps most of the day.
BIRDS!!
Something that Graham has really been enjoying is bird watching. I got some bird feeders especially designed to attract finches, and yeah baby, they really work. They're sort of like netted socks filled with I don't know what, but 10 minutes after I hung them on the tree by our window, dozens of finches were swarming around them. For hours every day, we have constant activity, usually about 16 birds at a time.
It's interesting watching their behavior. Most of the birds will patiently wait their turn, giving the birds who are currently feeding some space, But then, inevitably, a couple of snotty birds will break in line, and this starts a whole chain reaction of rudeness among the birds. It's sad that the "good" birds don't chastise the rude birds, but instead just become more rude themselves.
THANKS: Thank you Ellen H for always being there for us. I really appreciate you hanging out with Graham yesterday and today so I could go visit Micki and get some errands done. Graham enjoys your company. And thanks for lending us the nice lamp for our room. You truly did brighten our day in more ways than one!
Gary, you're such a wonderful brother and brother-in-law. Whether it's spending evenings with us, bringing a smile to Graham's face with silly jokes or PEZ dispensers, or bringing a great mattress for me to sleep on, you always think of ways to help us out.
Alice S, thanks for continuing to take care of Micki! It's such a relief knowing Micki is happy and loved.
Joan T, you are some kind of mind-reader. A couple of days ago, I was taking Graham out for a "stroll" in his wheelchair, and the poor guy was freezing even though he had two blankets around him. I made a note to myself to go buy two warmer and snugglier blankets. And then I went to the house today to water plants and check the mail, and what awaited me, but a wonderful gift box from Genentech, with two gorgeous soft warm throw blankets from Joan (and some other lovely and fun gifts, such as a squeaky toy for Micki). How perfect!! And thanks for sending the hilarious You Tube: Beware of the Doghouse. It reminded Graham and me of our first Hanukkah gift exchange with each other. (To watch the short video, go to the "Interesting Stuff" section to the right. Enjoy!)
Ruska, you know me so well. There are fewer things I enjoy more than unusual teapots and exotic teas. How fun to get a whole collection of flowering teas to experience with a pretty new teapot. Graham loved the message in your card.
Thanks River Bend (Missouri) neighbors Lynn, Jaye, Don, Marilyn and Ron for your lovely cards this week. And thanks Diane, Steve and Carol for staying in touch. We miss y'all!
After telling the Manor Care doctor we were ready to go to the ER to finally get some answers, she decided to get the tests done STAT (the squeaky wheel does indeed get the oil). Hopefully we'll have some answers in a few hours. If not, particularly since Graham now has a fever of 101.2, we'll scedaddle to the ER.
In the meantime, Graham has been on dilaudid (not sure if that's spelled right), a really good pain drug that works quickly, just about around the clock. It relieves the pain, but it basically means he sleeps most of the day.
BIRDS!!
Something that Graham has really been enjoying is bird watching. I got some bird feeders especially designed to attract finches, and yeah baby, they really work. They're sort of like netted socks filled with I don't know what, but 10 minutes after I hung them on the tree by our window, dozens of finches were swarming around them. For hours every day, we have constant activity, usually about 16 birds at a time.
It's interesting watching their behavior. Most of the birds will patiently wait their turn, giving the birds who are currently feeding some space, But then, inevitably, a couple of snotty birds will break in line, and this starts a whole chain reaction of rudeness among the birds. It's sad that the "good" birds don't chastise the rude birds, but instead just become more rude themselves.
THANKS: Thank you Ellen H for always being there for us. I really appreciate you hanging out with Graham yesterday and today so I could go visit Micki and get some errands done. Graham enjoys your company. And thanks for lending us the nice lamp for our room. You truly did brighten our day in more ways than one!
Gary, you're such a wonderful brother and brother-in-law. Whether it's spending evenings with us, bringing a smile to Graham's face with silly jokes or PEZ dispensers, or bringing a great mattress for me to sleep on, you always think of ways to help us out.
Alice S, thanks for continuing to take care of Micki! It's such a relief knowing Micki is happy and loved.
Joan T, you are some kind of mind-reader. A couple of days ago, I was taking Graham out for a "stroll" in his wheelchair, and the poor guy was freezing even though he had two blankets around him. I made a note to myself to go buy two warmer and snugglier blankets. And then I went to the house today to water plants and check the mail, and what awaited me, but a wonderful gift box from Genentech, with two gorgeous soft warm throw blankets from Joan (and some other lovely and fun gifts, such as a squeaky toy for Micki). How perfect!! And thanks for sending the hilarious You Tube: Beware of the Doghouse. It reminded Graham and me of our first Hanukkah gift exchange with each other. (To watch the short video, go to the "Interesting Stuff" section to the right. Enjoy!)
Ruska, you know me so well. There are fewer things I enjoy more than unusual teapots and exotic teas. How fun to get a whole collection of flowering teas to experience with a pretty new teapot. Graham loved the message in your card.
Thanks River Bend (Missouri) neighbors Lynn, Jaye, Don, Marilyn and Ron for your lovely cards this week. And thanks Diane, Steve and Carol for staying in touch. We miss y'all!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Out of the Hospital!!! Screamers & Clueless Clerks
OMG, that was a long stay at Stanford. A whole week! But this evening, Graham finally got sprung. The neupogen shots reversed the neutropenia and the Cipro and other antibiotics have mostly got the infections under control. Just as he was leaving the hospital, he got chills, but at that moment he didn't have a fever, so they let him go. Back at Manor Care they checked his temp and he's up to 101. They've got the IV antibiotics going, which is what Stanford would have done, so I think it's fine if he stays out of the hospital.
We had a "screamer" in the room next to us, a patient who was so out of it, that every few hours, she would launch a startlingly loud tirade against the nurses trying to help her. We feel compassion for her, but nonetheless, it's GREAT to have some miles between us!
Because Graham isn't totally over the infections yet, Dr. A. has postponed chemo for at least a week.
He didn't get much physical therapy in the hospital, so he may have to just about start over with that here.
Did I tell y'all about my experience with applying for long term disability from the Social Security Administration for Graham? Oy. I went for the interview and the clerk never asked what his prognosis was or how the cancer affects his ability to work. All she asked were irrelevant questions like "how long does he stand each day at work?", or "how do the medications he is taking affect his ability to work?" I waited patiently for a question that would get to the heart of his disability, like "why can't he work?" (cancer in the brain diminishing his ability to think clearly...needing to sleep 16 hours a day...), but nope, it never came. I told myself to be patient and just provide the vital info at the end, but I'm embarrassed to say that I was so tired by the end of all the inane questions, that I had sort of gone into a daze and completely forgot to say, "Excuse me, but you never asked about the CANCER!!!!" Luckily I needed to provide them with one more document the following day, which allowed me to insert a short note with the vital info. We'll see what happens. If they actually read the medical documentation they requested, it will be obvious to them. But the person helping me didn't seem remotely interested in it. I'm not even sure she understood that non-Hodgkins lymphoma is cancer. And she also got really annoyed when she heard how high Graham's salary was, as if it offended her in some way. What's up with that??
THANKS: Thanks Kayla S (daughter of Joni and Bernard from FL) for the beautiful artwork you made for Graham. Graham put it up on the wall right beside his bed so he can see it every day.
We've gotten a number of wonderful cards and notes from Genentech folks. Your thoughtfulness is much appreciated!
We had a "screamer" in the room next to us, a patient who was so out of it, that every few hours, she would launch a startlingly loud tirade against the nurses trying to help her. We feel compassion for her, but nonetheless, it's GREAT to have some miles between us!
Because Graham isn't totally over the infections yet, Dr. A. has postponed chemo for at least a week.
He didn't get much physical therapy in the hospital, so he may have to just about start over with that here.
Did I tell y'all about my experience with applying for long term disability from the Social Security Administration for Graham? Oy. I went for the interview and the clerk never asked what his prognosis was or how the cancer affects his ability to work. All she asked were irrelevant questions like "how long does he stand each day at work?", or "how do the medications he is taking affect his ability to work?" I waited patiently for a question that would get to the heart of his disability, like "why can't he work?" (cancer in the brain diminishing his ability to think clearly...needing to sleep 16 hours a day...), but nope, it never came. I told myself to be patient and just provide the vital info at the end, but I'm embarrassed to say that I was so tired by the end of all the inane questions, that I had sort of gone into a daze and completely forgot to say, "Excuse me, but you never asked about the CANCER!!!!" Luckily I needed to provide them with one more document the following day, which allowed me to insert a short note with the vital info. We'll see what happens. If they actually read the medical documentation they requested, it will be obvious to them. But the person helping me didn't seem remotely interested in it. I'm not even sure she understood that non-Hodgkins lymphoma is cancer. And she also got really annoyed when she heard how high Graham's salary was, as if it offended her in some way. What's up with that??
THANKS: Thanks Kayla S (daughter of Joni and Bernard from FL) for the beautiful artwork you made for Graham. Graham put it up on the wall right beside his bed so he can see it every day.
We've gotten a number of wonderful cards and notes from Genentech folks. Your thoughtfulness is much appreciated!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Double Whammy: Neutropenia & Fever
As Gilda Radner used to say, "It's always something." Today Graham got hit with a double whammy. He's gone into neutropenia (white blood cells took a dive and he's really susceptible to infection) and his fever came back. They transferred him to a private room. So I wonder if they'll let him out of the hospital tomorrow.
The course of Graham's disease has tended to go in plunges and plateaus. He's stable for a while, then something happens and some aspect of his health goes way downhill, but then we get used to the "new normal," go merrily on our way for a while, until the next plunge.
I'm sort of thinking a new plunge might be around the corner, but I hope I'm wrong.
We had a delightful visit with Rabbi Ezray today. What a sweetheart of a man. He exudes warmth and caring. He's had some pretty tough challenges thrown his way over the years, and like Graham, he also handles them with grace and kindness.
He's leaving shortly with 60 people from our congregation on a 3 week trip to Israel. We had originally planned to be part of the group, before Graham's cancer turned aggressive.
There are so many social, political, volunteer, religious and cultural events and activities that we would normally have enthusiastically done over the months, except for Graham's health crisis, and frankly, it's amazing how little we've missed them. Our calendar from the beginning of the year had something, usually several somethings, on almost every day of the month. Then, around April, we started only going to special events. From mid-June onward, the calendar is almost only filled with doctor's appointments.
It's far easier to "drop out" than I ever imagined. And I'm really good at saying "no" now. I used to have terrible guilt trips whenever I felt compelled to turn down a speaking gig or a volunteer opportunity, but now, not a problem! We do miss hanging out with our friends though.
And the Israel trip. Alas. Both Graham and I really regret not being able to go. For such a tiny country, there's always something new and wonderful and magical to see. And it's always a different experience depending on who you go with. It would have been so amazing to go with the sweet people from our synagogue. We're looking forward to a visit from Rabbi Ezray upon his return to hear about their adventures.
The course of Graham's disease has tended to go in plunges and plateaus. He's stable for a while, then something happens and some aspect of his health goes way downhill, but then we get used to the "new normal," go merrily on our way for a while, until the next plunge.
I'm sort of thinking a new plunge might be around the corner, but I hope I'm wrong.
We had a delightful visit with Rabbi Ezray today. What a sweetheart of a man. He exudes warmth and caring. He's had some pretty tough challenges thrown his way over the years, and like Graham, he also handles them with grace and kindness.
He's leaving shortly with 60 people from our congregation on a 3 week trip to Israel. We had originally planned to be part of the group, before Graham's cancer turned aggressive.
There are so many social, political, volunteer, religious and cultural events and activities that we would normally have enthusiastically done over the months, except for Graham's health crisis, and frankly, it's amazing how little we've missed them. Our calendar from the beginning of the year had something, usually several somethings, on almost every day of the month. Then, around April, we started only going to special events. From mid-June onward, the calendar is almost only filled with doctor's appointments.
It's far easier to "drop out" than I ever imagined. And I'm really good at saying "no" now. I used to have terrible guilt trips whenever I felt compelled to turn down a speaking gig or a volunteer opportunity, but now, not a problem! We do miss hanging out with our friends though.
And the Israel trip. Alas. Both Graham and I really regret not being able to go. For such a tiny country, there's always something new and wonderful and magical to see. And it's always a different experience depending on who you go with. It would have been so amazing to go with the sweet people from our synagogue. We're looking forward to a visit from Rabbi Ezray upon his return to hear about their adventures.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Fever Finally Breaks
Graham, still smiling, with cousin Karen and brother Gary.
Aunt Marie and cousin KarenWow, the staph infection Graham had surely did hang on for dear life. Graham had a fever and was extremely lethargic from Wednesday through this morning (Sunday). He's feeling so much better and more energetic now! Hopefully we'll get to leave the hospital Tuesday.
We had a lovely visit with Graham's cousin Karen and aunt Marie from Bethesda, as well as brother Gary. They always bring cheer and warmth.
Marie really touched my heart when she told me I would be family forever with them.
We had a lovely visit with Graham's cousin Karen and aunt Marie from Bethesda, as well as brother Gary. They always bring cheer and warmth.
Marie really touched my heart when she told me I would be family forever with them.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Good Timing; Gross Me Out
GOOD TIMING:
We came to Stanford on Wednesday for radiation and chemo, and a day later, we're still here!
Tuesday night Graham had a very slight fever, the first one in a long time. Wednesday morning, we arrived at Stanford at 8:30am, and his fever started to increase. Along with doing the last radiation treatment and a chemo treatment, they checked for an infection, and sure enough, he's got one. They gave him some IV antibiotic and were all set to send him back to Manor Care, but then Graham's fever went sky high, he started getting rigors (big time chills and shaking), and his pulse stayed in the 140's. So they admitted him to the hospital and have given him all kinds of good vitamins, minerals, liquids, and medications to help him feel much better. He'll likely leave the hospital Friday afternoon.
His timing was so excellent that he was at Stanford when everything got scary. Manor Care has nurses and an on-call doctor, but it was much better to be at Stanford with a bunch of doctors and an extensive pharmacy when his body went haywire.
GROSS ME OUT:
Apparently someone at Stanford Hospital has a pet donkey or pony that they sneaked into the hospital. And I guess they didn't feel like taking it outside to go potty, because when I went to use the public restroom last night, I found that some barnyard animal had sprayed urine all over the toilet and bathroom, and didn't even bother to flush what little actually made it into the toilet.
No, you say? Well okay, maybe it wasn't a barnyard animal. But I prefer to think it was a hapless beast, or maybe some lost child raised by wolves, than a TOTALLY SELFISH DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING WHO INTENTIONALLY LEFT SUCH A MESS.
I actually got a little insight into this strange creepy repulsive behavior from an old housemate of mine back in the 80's. She seemed like such a swell, refined, thoughtful person. But then I got to know her.
Turns out her nutty mother taught her that public toilet seats were NEVER to be touched by any part of her body, and that she should STAND OVER the seat to do her business, and then flush using her shoe.
So her pure behind stays pristine, while she has taken a perfectly clean toilet and bathroom and turned it into a filthy nightmare for all who follow her.
Grrrrrrr.
We came to Stanford on Wednesday for radiation and chemo, and a day later, we're still here!
Tuesday night Graham had a very slight fever, the first one in a long time. Wednesday morning, we arrived at Stanford at 8:30am, and his fever started to increase. Along with doing the last radiation treatment and a chemo treatment, they checked for an infection, and sure enough, he's got one. They gave him some IV antibiotic and were all set to send him back to Manor Care, but then Graham's fever went sky high, he started getting rigors (big time chills and shaking), and his pulse stayed in the 140's. So they admitted him to the hospital and have given him all kinds of good vitamins, minerals, liquids, and medications to help him feel much better. He'll likely leave the hospital Friday afternoon.
His timing was so excellent that he was at Stanford when everything got scary. Manor Care has nurses and an on-call doctor, but it was much better to be at Stanford with a bunch of doctors and an extensive pharmacy when his body went haywire.
GROSS ME OUT:
Apparently someone at Stanford Hospital has a pet donkey or pony that they sneaked into the hospital. And I guess they didn't feel like taking it outside to go potty, because when I went to use the public restroom last night, I found that some barnyard animal had sprayed urine all over the toilet and bathroom, and didn't even bother to flush what little actually made it into the toilet.
No, you say? Well okay, maybe it wasn't a barnyard animal. But I prefer to think it was a hapless beast, or maybe some lost child raised by wolves, than a TOTALLY SELFISH DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING WHO INTENTIONALLY LEFT SUCH A MESS.
I actually got a little insight into this strange creepy repulsive behavior from an old housemate of mine back in the 80's. She seemed like such a swell, refined, thoughtful person. But then I got to know her.
Turns out her nutty mother taught her that public toilet seats were NEVER to be touched by any part of her body, and that she should STAND OVER the seat to do her business, and then flush using her shoe.
So her pure behind stays pristine, while she has taken a perfectly clean toilet and bathroom and turned it into a filthy nightmare for all who follow her.
Grrrrrrr.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Operation Bird Feeder
I did something sneaky, but I feel pretty good about it. There was a nice bird feeder by Graham's window in his first room here at Manor Care. But no birds ever visited, because it was placed too close to the window, which spooked the birds.
So after Graham moved to his private room last Wednesday, I got up super early Thursday, before anyone was up, and moved the bird feeder in front of the window of his new room. I placed it far enough away from us for the birds' comfort, but close enough for Graham to be able to see them well. Then I filled it with sunflower birdseed, which they seem to love. Apparently there is an art to properly pouring seed in, because on my first try it all went in the feeder and then immediately straight out of the holes and onto the ground! Arrghhh. I eventually got the hang of it, though, and the bird feeder is quite the happening place now. We've seen all kinds of gorgeous birds and Graham really enjoys watching them.
If the bird feeder had been working in the old location, I would have just bought a new one for the new room. But hey, no sense wasting an unused one!
Graham has his last radiation appointment tomorrow. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, the other good news is that he can finally get more chemo now, to hopefully slow down some of the new cancer growth elsewhere in the body. He'll be getting that tomorrow too.
For his comfort, Graham has been going to his Stanford appointments by ambulance (paid for by the ever generous Aetna), which is quite an interesting experience. The ambulance drivers (paramedics, EMTs?) are so fabulous. They have all been hilarious, cheerful, caring, competent, strong and commanding. One feels totally safe (and entertained) with them. I think a lot of them are ex-military guys and gals. They're very intense and focused.
We're looking forward to a visit from Graham's cousin Karen and Aunt Marie from Bethesda Friday through Sunday.
THANKS for all the lovely cards and emails. They brighten our day (and the walls of the room).
Leegreenmo@aol.com
So after Graham moved to his private room last Wednesday, I got up super early Thursday, before anyone was up, and moved the bird feeder in front of the window of his new room. I placed it far enough away from us for the birds' comfort, but close enough for Graham to be able to see them well. Then I filled it with sunflower birdseed, which they seem to love. Apparently there is an art to properly pouring seed in, because on my first try it all went in the feeder and then immediately straight out of the holes and onto the ground! Arrghhh. I eventually got the hang of it, though, and the bird feeder is quite the happening place now. We've seen all kinds of gorgeous birds and Graham really enjoys watching them.
If the bird feeder had been working in the old location, I would have just bought a new one for the new room. But hey, no sense wasting an unused one!
Graham has his last radiation appointment tomorrow. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, the other good news is that he can finally get more chemo now, to hopefully slow down some of the new cancer growth elsewhere in the body. He'll be getting that tomorrow too.
For his comfort, Graham has been going to his Stanford appointments by ambulance (paid for by the ever generous Aetna), which is quite an interesting experience. The ambulance drivers (paramedics, EMTs?) are so fabulous. They have all been hilarious, cheerful, caring, competent, strong and commanding. One feels totally safe (and entertained) with them. I think a lot of them are ex-military guys and gals. They're very intense and focused.
We're looking forward to a visit from Graham's cousin Karen and Aunt Marie from Bethesda Friday through Sunday.
THANKS for all the lovely cards and emails. They brighten our day (and the walls of the room).
Leegreenmo@aol.com
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