Rabbi Fasman's Remarks About Graham

Graham's funeral was really lovely. I was so touched by all the people who came, even people who knew Graham years ago and many who traveled far to be there.

When it came time to cover Graham's coffin with the earth...my mind went on a little vacation. I just kept thinking, "That coffin looks way too short for Graham. I don't think he's really in there." I think until I get back to our home in California and find that he's not there waiting for me, Graham's death won't be real to me.

Rabbi Fasman's remarks about Graham really captured his essence. First he read excerpts (I'll share those with you soon) from many letters that people had written to me about Graham. And then he delivered his own remarks (see below):

About Graham (David ben Ze'ev ha-Levi):

Such a young man. Such a remarkable man. Such a profound loss.

Graham Green lived only 51 years. Though it was far too short, this was a man who touched this world in countless kind and positive ways. Today is the fifth day of Chanukkah - in fact, Graham passed away on the first day of Chanukkah. The hymn most associated with this holiday is Maoz Tzur - Rock of Ages. The more I learned about Graham, the more I realized that he was a rock himself - strong, constant, and consistent.

Graham was born the second of two sons to Walter and J Green. When he was about five years old, his parents divorced. At that time, his grandmother, Esther Green, moved in and became a guiding motherly presence in his life until the time he went to college.

It wasn't a large family, but it was close. There was his brother Gary, eight years his senior. Additionally, Graham's immediate family included his uncle Jerry and aunt Marie, and their children Karen and Paul. As the years passed, the family grew. Karen married Bob and Paul married Avivah. Karen and Bob's son Will is just a few works before Bar Mitzvah, and Paul and Avivah have a 3 1/2 year old, Jonah. There is one other very important family member in Graham's life - his stepmother Frada, who came into his life when he was about 20 and with whom he was close for these past 30 years. Sadly, Graham lost his father Walter four years ago, and just last month, his mother passed away.

Though Graham and Lee never had children, they did host a series of international students in their home for many years. Graham was able to be a father figure to many of them and kept in touch with many of his surrogate children over the years.

As a child, Graham was mature well beyond his years. He was intelligent, with a sweet and gentle demeanor. Gary reports that his little brother was cute and easy - Graham wasn't a cranky kid. Even as a child, Graham treated others well...this was one of his outstanding traits throughout his life.

And Graham was both a child and a man who persevered. He faced challenges with equanimity and patiently continued to move forward until he had achieved his goal. After transferring from another school, he graduated from the University of Illinois with a double major in biochemistry and microbiology.

Graduate school was also a challenge. Graham encountered a number of dead ends while pursuing his doctorate. When he had finally hit upon a promising thesis topic and had nearly completed all the work necessary for his Ph.D., someone else finished the same project first, so Graham patiently began a new project. He did finally receive his Ph.D. in Biochemistry from Rutgers University.

Graham's patience paid off in another important way during his graduate school years. In August of 1986, through the Boston Jewish Young Adult Center, Graham met Lee at a group outing to Canobie Lake Amusement Park. The first thing they did together was to go on the roller coaster ride. He found her screams endearing. That was another of Graham's core traits: he could observe all manner of human behavior with curiosity, but without being judgmental.

Graham and Lee dated for about a year. He was very gentlemanly in his courtship. He was a graduate student, so he had very little disposable income for fancy dates. Instead, their dates were creative...kite flying, canoeing, picnics, museums, and then there was the lasagna dinner he made for her in his toaster oven.

Apparently Graham and Lee broke up at one point, or maybe it was just Lee. But Graham knew what he wanted, so he responded with another of his core traits: he was infinitely patient, persevering and persistent. Lee was enrolled in an Adult Bnai Mitzvah class. Although Graham had grown up with an educated Jewish father, and though he had been Bar Mitzvah at the age of 13, he enrolled in the same class. Just to be with her.

His perseverence of course eventually paid off. Lee and Graham were married in October of 1988. They shared 20 wonderful years together. Was he a good husband? Without hesitation, Lee says he was the best. And she admits that she was not alway an easy one to live with. Graham never took offense. He made her a better person.

These past three years that Graham fought his cancer, and especially since April when his cancer turned aggressive, Lee was unwavering in her support and care for him. Karen, Paul and Gary all agree that no one ever took care of anybody as well as Lee took care of Graham.

Graham's career began at Organogenesis in Cambridge, where they were working to create replacement skin for burn victims using, in part, baby foreskins. From there he worked at OsteoArthritis Sciences, Wyeth and Centocor. Graham's final position was at Genentech, as Associate Director of Quality Control, directing the Stability lab, a critically important and detailed function within any biotech firm.

As a manager, one of his finest character traits created close and respectful relationships with those he supervised. Graham always treated others the way he would want to be treated himself. Another of his core traits: he lived his life in accord with the highest Jewish values. In the words of the First Century BCE sage Hillel, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man." Graham treated everyone this way: waitresses, nurses aides, and everyone with whom he interacted.

Outside of work, Graham had several passions: he loved bike riding, photography, home repair, and gardening.

Those who know him know how much Graham loved to ride his bicycle. He rode across the states of Utah and Iowa. He loved the challenge of cycling, preferring to ride uphill than on flat ground. Cycling cleared his head - these past years he cycled to and from work 3 days a week. In California, that meant twenty-two miles each way. By the time he got home in the evening, he had left the problems and challenges of work behind him. Cycling was also important to him because Graham liked to keep in shape.

And Graham was also a fixer. As a twelve-year-old, he took apart his Uncle Jerry's bicycles, cleaned every part and then reassembled the bikes, with no parts left over. It took hours, but Graham was quietly persistent and did not complain when things got tough.

Graham loved to fix things. He loved to go to house to house among family and friends in order to fix all kinds of things for them. In fact, Graham and Lee once found a perfect house to buy, but Graham didn't want to buy it because there was nothing in it that needed fixing. The passion to fix things reflects yet another core trait: living by the Jewish value of tikkun 0lam, repairing the world. Graham loved to leave things better than he found them. He did this with things and with institutions and with people.

Graham loved photography. Early in his professional life, he created a photography business on the side, mostly doing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He loved to capture beauty. And he found human behavior to be endlessly fascinating, often puzzling. He was an observer of people and he enjoyed capturing their images.

Graham also loved to produce beauty - in his garden. He loved to design his landscaping and to create and maintain his yard. Not only was he a keen observer; he also had remarkable vision; he could see what the garden would look like when the landscaping project was finished. And he was right.

From the time of his childhood, Graham had a relatively close circle of friends. And he kept up with them no matter where life took them. He was still in touch with one of his elementary school friends, Geoff. Graham would call them regularly, often when he would be driving to work.

Religiously, Graham was committed to his Judaism. He took Judaism seriously, both for its ethical teachings and also for its rituals and practices. He enjoyed coming to services on a regular basis and was a frequent member of our daily minyan at Shaare Zedek, especially in his year of mourning for his father.

In that context, I remember Graham as quiet, serious, and at the same time, gentle and friendly. We had a number of very good conversations, often over breakfast following minyan. Graham and Lee also were part of the Shaare Zedek Mission to Israel in 2005. He was committed to Israel and supportive of Lee's work with CAMERA. Graham had travelled to Israel following his high school graduation as part of a Young Judea program.

In Pirke Avot [Chapter 4, Mishnah 1], the second-century sage Ben Zoma asks a series of questions about understanding the primary virtues of a Jewish life. Eizeh hu chakham? Ha-lomeid mi-kol adam - "Who is wise? One who learns from every human being." Eizeh hu gibor? Ha-koveish et yitzro - "Who is mighty? One who can control his own inclinations [evil impulse]." Eizeh hu ashir? Ha-sameach b'chelko - "Who is rich? Those who are content with their portion." Eizeh hu mekhubad? Ha-mekhabeid et ha-beriot - "Who is honored? Those who honor all people."

Graham was a wise man, learning from others. He was quiet and engaged with those with whom he spoke. Though he was very intelligent and highly educated, Graham felt that he could learn something from everyone, either by how they behaved or what they said.

Graham was a mighty man - he was in control of himself to a degree that far exceeds that of most people. He was quiet, he was patient, he was even-tempered, he was forgiving, he had perseverance and he did not give up when he hit dead ends and tough spots.

Graham was a wealthy man - he was grateful for all that he had and he was also profoundly satisfied to have such a wonderful wife, family, friends, and career.

Graham was a man who was honored by others. He honored everyone with whom he came in contact, no matter what their station in life, no matter their relationship to him. He treated others how he wished to be treated himself.

Many people are defined by their life story. Graham was defined by his character, a character established when he was still a child and remaining constant for the remainder of his life. This was a profoundly good man - kind, thoughtful, and caring; persistent, hardworking, steady, reliable, self-reliant. He was considerate, supportive, altruistic, connected to family and friends. He was gorgeous, both on the outside and on the inside. He was committed to enduring values as expressed in Jewish principles and ritual, while at the same time oblivious to fads and pop culture. There was a timeless quality to Graham. He was intelligent, curious, and non-condescending.

Jewish tradition speaks of 36 righteous individuals that walk the earth at any given time. We don't know them; they don't know that they are one of this distinguished group. They are called Lamed Vavniks, from the Hebrew letters Lamed and Vav that numerically represent the number 36 (which is 18 x 2, or twice chai, life).

If he wasn't one of these Lamed Vavniks, he certainly was a candidate...and maybe even a finalist. The world is diminished with his passing.

May Graham Green rest in peace.

Zichrono livracha - may his memory be for a blessing in the lives of all who knew him and loved him.

[I'll include some of the letters he read from soon. Forsan's is below.]