In a Quandary about Visitors

Many of our friends have asked if they can come visit Graham to say goodbye. I never know what to say! I'm betwixt and between. Graham isn't really "himself" these days due to all the morphine, and due to the cancer in the brain. Not to mention being really really tired. I don't know if the "real" Graham we all know and love would appreciate his friends seeing the "Graham on drugs." I want to protect his dignity.

At the same time, "Graham on drugs" enjoys having visitors and I hate to deprive him of that pleasure. Also, hey, the dying process is a part of life and we are all going to go through it. Many of you have already experienced it with other loved ones. So I'm sure our nice friends would not think less of Graham for simply being human.

We had such a wonderful visit with Joan T and her husband yesterday. So, I'm back to leaning toward saying yes to non-family visitors for short (5-10 minutes) visits.

Joan and her hubby were the perfect visitors. They were cheerful yet caring. They didn't expect Graham to have a normal conversation with them, but they knew that he was still listening (in the hazy way that someone does when he's half asleep). Joan told Graham what he meant to her, why she enjoyed working with him, the qualities about him that she admired...They cheered us up, touched our hearts, but also knew to keep the visit brief, because it is hard for Graham to stay awake.

I'm doing my best to surround Graham in a cheerful but serene atmosphere. While it's natural to tear up when contemplating Graham leaving us, I strive to not outright cry in front of him. I just can't imagine that having people crying around him or being all somber and sad could be at all soothing.

Please know that email and snailmail goodbyes are also WONDERFUL. On Friday, Graham had an unusually clear day and I spent much of the day reading to him all the fabulous notes that people sent to him. He loved them. That was a day with a lot of fond smiles.

If you want to visit, just give us a call .

There are some times when it's just not a good time to visit, like when he's getting one of his fabulous massages. Or if someone else is visiting. Or if Graham is just not feeling up to it. So please call right before you want to come to see if it's a good time.

The hospice folks gave me a book about what to expect in his last days, and it says that often in the last week or few days, the dying person often doesn't want to have visitors, even family and close friends! So please don't be offended if Graham suddenly decides he doesn't want to see you. It's just the natural process of turning away from this world to the next one.